5 ∅ [Anonymous Text]

[callbacks]

[You'd think Dave would have learned his lesson about anonymity, but maybe learning doesn't stick so well at ass in the morning when he can't sleep. At least it doesn't seem like he's really trying to mask his identity, here. It's just...a plausible deniability thing, maybe. Probably, given the content of his message.]

what was growing up like for you
like
how was your childhood
were you happy

Comments

[hashtagafreakingghost]

why do you say that?
it's not easy to confront things like this.

[callbacks]

thats the thing
im only doing it because i have to
its not like i havent had ample opportunity to recognize the facts of the matter before
i was just scared to admit it
to others or to myself
but covering my ears and pretending its not there just wont work anymore its too obvious even to me
i got no choice but to see it for what it is in all its ugly realness and go yep thats it thats what ive been dragging along with me all this time
and this isnt the only thing nor has it been the only case where if id acknowledged something or said something
if id confronted something difficult like youre saying
it would have helped
and people wouldnt have had to get hurt on my account or their own
braves something only heroes get to be and im not i never have been
im just me
thats all

[action]

[callbacks]

[Fine by Dave. There is fucking nothing platonic about this bro hug bump. Dave's giving as good as he gets and then some, tucking his head into Karkat's shoulder, sliding both hands up and down his back with a "shhhhh, shhh" before bundling him up tightly in his arms, practically hauling Karkat up into him as he leans against the door.]

There you are.

[And he was where, before? Whatever. Dave sighs across the side of Karkat's neck, content with how right it is to hold and be held by him.]

My turn to be right about stuff. [He nuzzles the space behind Karkat's ear, noses along the line between his hair and his skin.] You don't get to disagree with me because you're automatically wrong. Your response options are 'Yes, wise and learned brainmaster Dave,' or 'massive incoherent crying, but only because I'm too touched for words, not 'cause I'm sad.'

[Dammit. Why doesn't he have three arms. He doesn't want to let Karkat go, probably ever, so he settles for resting the gentle pressure of his cheek alongside Karkat's cheek, for loosening one arm (and not the other, Karkat's not going anywhere) to run his hand in a slow, rhythmic path between his shoulder blades.]

You appear to have acquired some humongous misconceptions about things, which I suppose could be partially my fault for not articulating them properly. But, I mean, you already know I'm fucking junk when it comes to this stuff, it's all new: being pale, hearing nice things expressed about my person without some kind of jokey twist, learning how to be...open and honest about stuff that hurts. [He rubs his cheek gently against Karkat's face. Sorry. He's sorry.] So maybe in conversation I've been focusing a lot on that, on all the newness, and slacking on some of the other fronts.

[He wants to look at Karkat while he says this, but Karkat is a mess and also is very warm and huggable, so Dave just squeezes him again, cuddles up close.]

I may not know what to do with--with affection besides stare helplessly like a tottering fawn into the headlights as it makes emotional Dave pancakes out of my heart's ass--[What?]--but, Jesus, dunkass. [He lets another breath sigh past Karkat's ear.] I grew up knowing John and Jade and Rose. I know what fucking good looks like.

[Softer, now.] ...It looks like you. You help people who never give anything back, and you're smart, and you listen, and, and you care...

[He trails off, momentarily overcome. Keeps holding Karkat. How does he not know how good, how precious, how immeasurably valuable he is, how important it is that he exists? Christ.]

I'll go on in a minute. But first, fuck you for implying I don't know what I'm doing here with you. You insult me, I'm insulted, gag on an entire carton of dicks.

[He doesn't sound insulted, not the way he hefts Karkat up against him like he's considering just gathering him straight into his lap, the way he rubs his nose into Karkat's shoulder again.]

That's, like, an egg carton, by the way. So twelve dicks. Eat twelve jumbo cage-free dicks, Karkat, I wouldn't have a moirail if it wasn't you.

[islandshore]

Delirious? Probably, but you could probably make those anime comparisons with a lot of stuff from our universe.

Evil monsters born from darkness, giant magic keys, other worlds... Haven't lived through most of it yet, but I have it on good authority that it's all real, even if the raft plan didn't pan out.

Oh, and there's talking mice, I guess.

[hashtagafreakingghost]

something I've learned that's important to know
especially for you I feel
is that you don't have to be a hero to be brave
you can be far from one
you may be doing this because you had no other choice
because everything else was crashing around your ears
and you don't know where to turn
but there were other avenues
worse ones
that you didn't go down
it matters
that you chose this one
doesn't it?

and so alright
you've avoided for so long
you've tried to hide
the longer you've done that the harder it is to face what you're scared to
in fact I've heard that
the closer something is to you sometimes the harder it is to even see it
unless something or someone just smacks you in the face with it
when you least expect it

[Barging into his personal business... Asking those questions...]

you could have done so earlier
but you
have to try not to dwell on that Dav
because it's hard
it's the hardest thing in the world to not dwell on what ifs
and if I'd only justs
and all of that
but all you can do now is move forward
in whatever way you can
no matter how hard it is

you still made a choice
because you could've dragged everyone down into the pits with you
and said nothing
but you didn't
and for that
that's why I think you're brave
whether you agree or not I'm still going to think so

[callbacks]

[There's a longer pause this time, but when he types his response, it's with the faintest hint of a smile on his face.]

you know
im really glad i got to be here

maybe some other me wouldve figured it out sooner
and hell more power to him hed have more time to get past or around it or whatever
but he wouldnt have the people i have here
who look out for me and make sure im ok when i need it
and also treat shit like normal the rest of the time
its really nice getting to live something like a halfway average life despite the furry companionship and the lack of secondary education

thank you
is what im trying to say

[action]

[quadrangle]

[There's not much closer to get, but Karkat is just as keen as Dave is to try. He's already wound around his moirail's upper body like a particularly insidious strand of ivy, but between the hand on his back, the breath on his neck, and Dave nosing at him everywhere he can reach—fuck, okay, fine, he takes it back: Dave knows exactly what he's doing. He doesn't know what the fuck he's saying but that's probably true of anyone with any level of comprehension of the English language at all, ever. The few parts that aren't an unrecognizable mass of syllables farted out his mouth, though, those are...

He sniffs and hides his face against Dave's chest because fuck you, no, he is not going to cry because he's moved or whatever, who does Dave even think he's trying to fool here? He'd—do something ram the idiot's head into the door again because ~*Dave's heart's ass pancakes*~ alone deserves some form of retaliation, possibly of the extreme variety, but he's not moving for anything right now. Even if that would be satisfying. Holy fuck how can anyone be this bad at piletalk.

As for... the other parts...

He hugs Dave tighter still and sniffs again. He'll do more than straight up cling once he's no longer in danger of losing his shit all over the place, okay?]

You're either braindead, delusional, or your feeble, carbon-based human skull is so completely horrible at protecting your minuscule think pan that you somehow managed to give yourself a concussion from hitting that block aperture with insufficient force to kill a fucking marchbug.

[He pauses, then lifts his head just enough to nuzzle under Dave's jaw and at his throat before tucking his head back under his chin. Just. Give him a minute.]

... I'm sorry.

[Not about the concussion thing; Dave deserved that. He hadn't deserved everything else.]

[action]

[callbacks]

[That is neither agreement nor tears of gratitude, and Dave would take points off for that if the nuzzling didn't distract him entirely, enough that he forgets what he's doing with his hand for a moment. Petting, isn't it? He resumes it, but then moves up to stroke his thumb slowly through the last curls of Karkat's hair, right at the edge of his hairline.]

Mammalian bone mineral's mostly calcium, numbnuts.

[At least, he thinks that's true. Some kind of inorganic compound thereof, he's pretty sure, though there's organic material in there, too.

Man. Bones. Bones are cool.

With Karkat's head under his chin, he just rests his face in the rats' nest Karkat calls hair. Settles in comfortably. His heart rate's halfway back to normal now that Karkat's not going anywhere, thumping less wildly in his throat. It's going to be okay. He closes his eyes.]

Sorry for what. For being good to me? Dude.

[action]

[quadrangle]

[Karkat shrugs minutely and snuggles closer, appeased enough by the petting that he just might not eh fuck it.]

Like I give a fuck what chemical composition any of your anatomy has. But fine, the next time I insinuate I've seen behemoth leavings with a harder consistency than your cranium, I'll remember it.

[Asshole. He'd be so easy to hate if he weren't so fucking pitiable, which is really not the issue right now. Karkat just doesn't want to... ugh. It would be hypocritical beyond belief if he kept his mouth shut now, wouldn't it?

He tries to focus on the rise and fall of Dave's chest beneath his head, the way his voice resonates through his thin frame. Fuck, is he eating enough? Or argh stop getting distracted.]

... Sorry for freaking out at you. And trying to leave.

[heartdive]

It'll be fine. I'm not too worried.

[action]

[callbacks]

Mmm.

[He hums it right into Karkat's hair. It occurs to Dave that it's really good he's already sitting down, because he's not even trying to do anything and yet his legs still feel like bean paste. Between everything this, what, ten minutes or so has been, between having to stare The Bro Shit right in the douchey shades and the tide of relief at getting Karkat to stay, he can feel the tension almost literally draining out of him. He has enough energy for an idle thought--how is he going to stand back up?--but it doesn't super matter, and he just concentrates on the steady weight of Karkat against his chest and times his own heartbeat. One two three. One two three. One two. One two.]

Apology unnecessary on the first count, but accepted on the second. [A beat.] You can get me one of those fat, face-sized waffles for breakfast if it's gonna keep bothering you, I guess.

[The soul of magnanimity, it is him. He rubs his cheekbone somewhere above Karkat's temple and breathes out.]

I--I'm sorry for stopping you, too. Not because I think you should have gone, because do you see yourself right now, no, of course not. [He moves his hand from Karkat's neck to sling both arms around him again, cuddle him close. Careful, careful.] But it felt like trapping you, and that's. I don't know, it just feels grody. So. Sorry.

[Karkat actually smells kind of nice.

Maybe his nose has Stockholm Syndrome.]

You know it's okay, right? To need stuff back from me. Like, frankly, I don't know how else it'd be supposed to work, anyway.

[callbacks]

no actually most of that sounds legit
except the giant magic mmmmmno yeah that checks out too
someone i know had magic knitting needles so keys arent that weird
talking animals in my experience tend to be reptiles or amphibian though

[callbacks]

confidence is everything

[callbacks]

i
sure
of course i know
familys for life etc

[text]

[callbacks]

well it is easier to spell
or you could do a portmanteau
cu chulancer
shaves a few characters off your tweeting limit

[action]

[quadrangle]

[... Face-sized waffle. Right. Like Karkat doesn't know Dave well enough to see the attempt at levity for what it is, much less the implicit acknowledgment that yeah, trying to bail had been a dick move. He is so glad that they can have this open dialogue between them, it's fucking magical.

As vitriolic as his thought processes are, though, they aren't the sort he'd want to share; he's been petty enough. Besides, it isn't Dave's fault that he has to tiptoe around Karkat's feelings like they're a rabid cholerbear. That's—ugh. Fuck, why won't his think pan just stop?

He curls into Dave a little more and shuts his eyes, more grateful for the arms around him than ever. He isn't even thinking about standing, shit's overrated anyway. Maybe next sweep.]

I'm glad you stopped me.

[It sounds stupid and doesn't address Dave's question at all, but he's building up to that, really. He just needs to make this clear before getting into anything.

Shifting restlessly, he adjusts his hold on Dave and stretches his legs out under him, trying to get more comfortable. Why do they keep ending up on the floor like this? No, god, stop procrastinating. Tell him.]

It's—I'm not good at it. At saying when I need someone. [Because that wasn't obvious? He shudders and tightens his hold again.] Or having a moirail who—who's actually around.

[To say the least. And, even if there had been that familiar jolt of fear, he'd managed to push past it, keep from completely fucking spiraling into his usual whatever-the-fuck those were when he thought of Gamzee. He's getting better.

He traces idle patterns on Dave's back for a second or two before concluding,]

I'll try to get better at—at telling you when I need you to, uh. To shoosh me or whatever.

[Was that casual enough. Say it was casual enough. Just lie, he doesn't care.]

[islandshore]

Wait, magic knitting needles?

What do they do? Knit mystic tunics and wizard robes?

[It's the first thing that comes to mind... though stabbing is a legit option. Probably.]

Anyway, are we talking frogs? Salamanders? All the above? Is there some secret world full of scaly overlords?

[hashtagafreakingghost]

that's exactly the right way to look at it

what I mean is you're very welcome :)

[action]

[callbacks]

[Dave hums again, softer, accepting. Good enough.]

I'll get better, too. At hearing when you say it. [He knows, he knows how hard it is. He'll learn the other ways Karkat says it, the cues he can mark.] ...Shoosh for a while, though. I want to tell you something, and if you stop me, you'll fuck me up.

[He strokes Karkat's back, gathering his thoughts, preparing himself for what he's going to try to do. Finally, he breathes in, exhales shakily across the top of Karkat's head.]

W-when Bro was there...I mean, I guess that was bad. [He breathes in deeply again and plows as far ahead as he can get from that small, raw admission.] But he'd go off a lot to play shows, or...I don't know, I guess. I don't know what he did when he wasn't there. But it was worse when he was gone.

I'd be left alone with--with all those fucking puppets. And it was fine when he was there, because when he was there, like--they were his, they belonged to him, everything in the apartment sort of oriented itself to him. Even...even me. When he was there, things just sort of happened the way he wanted, so even if it was shitty, at least, at least you knew what was up. Who was pulling the strings.

But he'd go, and, like...I'd tell myself it was cool, that he was treating me like I could take care of myself. And I had free run of the apartment and could mess with his shit if I thought I could handle it, like he trusted my judgment. But when he wasn't there, it was dead quiet in there, and all these dolls were just lying around with their eyes open at nothing and I...

[...Too far in. Too much. Dave comes back to where he is with a shiver, tugs Karkat closer, shakes his head to clear it and tries to will the chill and the sudden goosebumps away.]

I couldn't tell him I needed him, it'd...not just for that, even. Like if I didn't have enough food stashed up, or something broke, or I got hurt, I couldn't...he wasn't there. I had to just not need things until he got back, and then...I mean, if I could handle it on my own, then why should I bring it up later, either? I was, I was cool.

[His voice drops, low and bitter.]

But I wasn't. [Dave lets it sit there for a moment, lets it sink into his own ears. It's true. He has to accept that, now. He rocks Karkat a little, slowly, his face in his hair.] So don't you do that to yourself. You need something, you come get it. You're allowed. I--I want you to.

You can need me. It's okay. ...It makes me feel like I matter. You know?

[text]

[charcoalfeather]

Yes, it can be.

[action]

[quadrangle]

[If it weren't for the fact that Dave had told him not to interrupt, Karkat would be stopping him in an instant to say that he'd better not have fucking decided to share this because he felt obligated to after that bullshit meltdown, but Dave's already beginning to talk and... god. This human is so...

He's not in an ideal position to do much besides listen, but wherever he can, whenever Dave's words fail him or his memories threaten to pull him under, Karkat is there with a gentle squeeze or a nuzzle to try and ground him. "You're safe now," he wants to say, or "I'm here," anything to reassure Dave that he isn't alone—god, leaving really would have been the dumbest thing ever, wouldn't it? Great fucking job with that one, Past Karkat, why not leave your moirail to face all his demons on his own, it's not like you'd have any idea at all how fucking miserable that is, right?

The constant self-recrimination is muffled by the need to fucking listen so he can help Dave in any way he can, but it's by no means gone. How is he supposed to be a good moirail if he can't turn it off?

Perhaps unsurprisingly, it's Dave who manages to actually silence it, if temporarily. Trolls aren't typically rocked by their lusii, so Karkat doesn't fully understand what's happening at first, but it's... really, really nice. Calming. It gives him the focus he needs to make this better for Dave, and ultimately, that's all he cares about.

... On that note—]

Dave, you matter for so many more reasons than because I need you.

[It could have sounded sweet. It still does, to some extent, but only by virtue of the words themselves. The tone, on the other frond, is very much not because Calm Karkat is and always has been a blink of a glance nugget away from Angry Karkat and oh my god what is he even hearing right now?

He squirms a little in Dave's arms, not enough to free himself or even free Dave because fuck you he's still got more cuddling to do but enough that he can look him straight in the eye and, okay, maybe they're a little too close for him to glare properly and their foreheads are touching. He's still not moving away.]

My turn to talk, you're wrong, etc, shut the fuck up. Dave, do you—do you have any idea how many people I've met in this place who've told me you helped them or spoke highly of you? Do you understand the impact you've had on newcomers like—like Ashley, who were coming here from all kinds of traumatic shit, or other people you've helped get oriented and figure out what the fuck is going on?

And don't think even for a fucking second that you're just—useful or convenient or whatever the fuck, like oh, because you've finished serving some purpose, you stop mattering and they've moved on. That isn't how it works. You don't only matter because I need you and I'm pale for you and that somehow guarantees your place in the universe. You matter because you're the one who's good. You're smart and caring and—and so much stronger than I ever was.

[His eyes flick away for a moment, then back.]

I guess a lot of that stoic bullshit isn't something you could really help picking up with your insane lusus, but... you still dealt with all of that and Sburb and it didn't break you. You're one of the strongest people I know.

[He pauses for a fraction of a second, anger subsiding because this is important, dammit. The rest needs to be said softly.]

And needing someone doesn't make you weaker.

[action]

[callbacks]

[Whoa, hey, Dave did not call this Turnabout Paletalk to court, he obviously does not need shooshed like Karkat did. He opens his mouth to interrupt a fruitless handful of times before finally giving up with a huff and staring at Karkat's eyes as well as he can from this distance. It's odd, him trying to look angry this close. It doesn't work at all. At most, Dave's just distracted picking out the different strands of color in Karkat's strange-but-human iris, the varying shades of red. They're brighter than Dave's, he thinks.

His distraction lasts about as long as it takes Karkat to get through half of his second sentence. The questions take him aback, the rest even more so, and he just sits there, blinking, with his forehead pressed to Karkat's as words continue to happen at him.

He only stirs at two things: '...So much stronger than I ever was' makes him frown and start to say something, but the quick return of Karkat's gaze and what he says next--'with your insane lusus'--knock the words out of his mouth, make his eyes tighten a little. He listens. He just listens. And when Karkat is done, when Dave's sure he is, he closes his eyes and bumps their foreheads together in the gentlest, palest headbutt ever witnessed.]

Dumbass.

[It's as soft as Karkat's last sentence.]

That's what I was trying to tell you. If you already knew that shit, why did you make me waste so many words when I could've gone back to mumbling inane horseshit and using your thorax as a pillow. Hella inconsiderate. I'm appalled at this treatment. I demand two face-sized waffles and an ice cream sundae. For breakfast. Five minutes ago. I'll find a Pokémon Denny's, don't think I won't. DeDenny's. It has to exist.

[He doesn't actually want to move, though. Not even for giant waffles. He still feels over-extended after that Tales from the Crypt confession, and kind of generally wrung-out, otherwise. And cold. He wants to go back to his blanket nest and at least zone out, if not sleep.

It makes his voice all quiet and mumbly. He rubs his nose against Karkat's nose, because fuck you.]

I wasn't saying any of that stuff. I don't agree with all of it, but I just meant--it's nice to hear. To, like. Know that I'm actually wanted around. And that I'm not just some big emotional sink that doesn't give anything back.

[text]

[callbacks]

if it was bad
im sorry

Private

[callbacks]

[Eh, fuck it.]

so whats new in colonial williamsburg

[callbacks]

nah mostly they just like generated laser blasts of concentrated gothness
and nah dude the frogs didnt talk
salamanders though those were around