[Long, slow shiver. Karkat's a life preserver in a dark sea, but even now, Dave's afraid to hold on too tightly, like Karkat will disappear if he admits a need. His voice comes out halfway between a murmur and a whisper.]
I wish I hadn't killed Rose's pony with my butt. Then maybe it could've raised me and all my problems would just be about, I don't know, rough pastures and oats and shit. [His expression twists into a grimace against Karkat's shoulder.] Instead of whatever the fuck you want to call this.
[After a beat, he lifts himself from Karkat's shoulder so he can press his hand over his face. He's not crying, he's not--he literally can't and think about Bro at the same time. It had been the same on LOWAS, when he'd seen him pinned there in his own blood like he was...like he was one of Dave's dead bugs, stuck to cardstock in a frame. Like Bro was that fragile and fleeting. Like he was human.
His other hand sticks to Karkat's shoulder like it's glued. Magnetized. Please don't let him go.]
Can you believe--I, I thought everyone was in the same boat? John and Rose were always griping bitterly about all the goddamn affection their parents would lay on them, all the cake and heartfelt notes, and...I guess Jade's granddad was dead basically the whole time I knew her and she was alone with her dog on that fucking island, but she made...she made him sound like he really loved her, too. And I didn't understand, but I had to laugh along like, yeah, okay, I guess this is the same as living with a fucking...expressionless psychotic robot, I don't know. Like, was Jade's dead taxidermied old man corpse better at taking care of her than my own fuckin'--my own--
[Dave cuts his own damn self off, gritting his teeth. Forces it down, even if Karkat said not to, because the last thing he ever wants to do is scare Karkat with how fucking awful he feels. Not Karkat. Not after everything he's been through.
He has to pull his hand back, though, to rub both of them over his eyes. Stupid shades, always in the way.]
I wish I could've been with her. Or with Rose, or with--
[With literally anyone who wasn't Bro.
Well, maybe not the crazy spider monster.
Slowly, he leans forward again, hands still pressed over his face, and lets his forehead bump to a rest against Karkat's shoulder again. Bunp.]
Sorry, this is why--why I didn't want to talk about it, but. Karkat, I wish I met you a million years ago so I could've figured out what someone caring about me was supposed to look like. So I wouldn't...so I wouldn't have to feel so stupid now.
[action]
I wish I hadn't killed Rose's pony with my butt. Then maybe it could've raised me and all my problems would just be about, I don't know, rough pastures and oats and shit. [His expression twists into a grimace against Karkat's shoulder.] Instead of whatever the fuck you want to call this.
[After a beat, he lifts himself from Karkat's shoulder so he can press his hand over his face. He's not crying, he's not--he literally can't and think about Bro at the same time. It had been the same on LOWAS, when he'd seen him pinned there in his own blood like he was...like he was one of Dave's dead bugs, stuck to cardstock in a frame. Like Bro was that fragile and fleeting. Like he was human.
His other hand sticks to Karkat's shoulder like it's glued. Magnetized. Please don't let him go.]
Can you believe--I, I thought everyone was in the same boat? John and Rose were always griping bitterly about all the goddamn affection their parents would lay on them, all the cake and heartfelt notes, and...I guess Jade's granddad was dead basically the whole time I knew her and she was alone with her dog on that fucking island, but she made...she made him sound like he really loved her, too. And I didn't understand, but I had to laugh along like, yeah, okay, I guess this is the same as living with a fucking...expressionless psychotic robot, I don't know. Like, was Jade's dead taxidermied old man corpse better at taking care of her than my own fuckin'--my own--
[Dave cuts his own damn self off, gritting his teeth. Forces it down, even if Karkat said not to, because the last thing he ever wants to do is scare Karkat with how fucking awful he feels. Not Karkat. Not after everything he's been through.
He has to pull his hand back, though, to rub both of them over his eyes. Stupid shades, always in the way.]
I wish I could've been with her. Or with Rose, or with--
[With literally anyone who wasn't Bro.
Well, maybe not the crazy spider monster.
Slowly, he leans forward again, hands still pressed over his face, and lets his forehead bump to a rest against Karkat's shoulder again. Bunp.]
Sorry, this is why--why I didn't want to talk about it, but. Karkat, I wish I met you a million years ago so I could've figured out what someone caring about me was supposed to look like. So I wouldn't...so I wouldn't have to feel so stupid now.