[Dave flinches the second Karkat does, yanking his hand back as if burned--or worse, as if it burned Karkat, as if Dave had done something to hurt him. All he can do is listen with mounting alarm as Karkat stumbles through words he usually soars on, is stare up wide-eyed as Karkat stands without warning.
But the sight of his back bites through him like his first step into LOFAF (into the wicked cold, into those high, lonely stars, into the knowledge of that death takes everything) and Dave is past Karkat and pressed back against the door before he can think; he's speaking before he recognizes his voice.]
No, no no no. No, I...
[Dave stills, and the shame catches up like a second blow, but even that can't take out the leaden refusal in his gut, the absolute nonacceptance humming through his bones. Karkat can't leave, and how selfish is that, but Karkat can't leave, not when he looks so crushed.
Dave sags an inch down the door, tries to compose himself. It's hard. Finally, he raises his hands a little, turns them palm-up.]
If--if you want to go, for a while...or... [Karkat leaving for longer than a while doesn't even bear thinking about. Dave tries to swallow the hurt that wells up, but some of it reaches his face before he can cover his mouth and turn away, creasing his eyebrows, squeezing his eyes shut tight. Breathe. Breathe. He can't look at Karkat while he says this, as he moves his hand just far enough away to speak.] Then I won't. Stop you. And I'll be here when you come back, and--it'll be okay.
[If he comes back. If Dave hasn't scared Karkat off for good, made him feel weak and inadequate in the face of how fucked he is. He tried to warn him but Karkat always takes on more than could ever be good for him; Karkat would shoulder the whole world and snap at anyone who came close, even if it was to help him.
Remembering that doesn't salve the stupid little ache too deep in his chest to smooth away. The one that says, bitter, You opened me this much, and now you'll leave me like this.
Concentrate.]
But if--Christ, I. [Dave bites his knuckle until it hurts enough to focus him, until he can drop his arms and meet Karkat's eyes again, however shakily.] If it's about, about me? I've been freighting this bullshit around with me for eight sweeps. I only even started looking at it 'cause of you, I only...I only could 'cause you're here. So don't start saying shit like--like I don't need you.
[Blurting it out leaves him open, leaves him naked, and he doesn't look away. His eyes stay steady, his voice low.]
You said it was both ways. That I'd take care of you, too. What the fuck, Karkat, you don't have to--to earn the right to be with me.
[action]
But the sight of his back bites through him like his first step into LOFAF (into the wicked cold, into those high, lonely stars, into the knowledge of that death takes everything) and Dave is past Karkat and pressed back against the door before he can think; he's speaking before he recognizes his voice.]
No, no no no. No, I...
[Dave stills, and the shame catches up like a second blow, but even that can't take out the leaden refusal in his gut, the absolute nonacceptance humming through his bones. Karkat can't leave, and how selfish is that, but Karkat can't leave, not when he looks so crushed.
Dave sags an inch down the door, tries to compose himself. It's hard. Finally, he raises his hands a little, turns them palm-up.]
If--if you want to go, for a while...or... [Karkat leaving for longer than a while doesn't even bear thinking about. Dave tries to swallow the hurt that wells up, but some of it reaches his face before he can cover his mouth and turn away, creasing his eyebrows, squeezing his eyes shut tight. Breathe. Breathe. He can't look at Karkat while he says this, as he moves his hand just far enough away to speak.] Then I won't. Stop you. And I'll be here when you come back, and--it'll be okay.
[If he comes back. If Dave hasn't scared Karkat off for good, made him feel weak and inadequate in the face of how fucked he is. He tried to warn him but Karkat always takes on more than could ever be good for him; Karkat would shoulder the whole world and snap at anyone who came close, even if it was to help him.
Remembering that doesn't salve the stupid little ache too deep in his chest to smooth away. The one that says, bitter, You opened me this much, and now you'll leave me like this.
Concentrate.]
But if--Christ, I. [Dave bites his knuckle until it hurts enough to focus him, until he can drop his arms and meet Karkat's eyes again, however shakily.] If it's about, about me? I've been freighting this bullshit around with me for eight sweeps. I only even started looking at it 'cause of you, I only...I only could 'cause you're here. So don't start saying shit like--like I don't need you.
[Blurting it out leaves him open, leaves him naked, and he doesn't look away. His eyes stay steady, his voice low.]
You said it was both ways. That I'd take care of you, too. What the fuck, Karkat, you don't have to--to earn the right to be with me.