[Dave hums again, softer, accepting. Good enough.]
I'll get better, too. At hearing when you say it. [He knows, he knows how hard it is. He'll learn the other ways Karkat says it, the cues he can mark.] ...Shoosh for a while, though. I want to tell you something, and if you stop me, you'll fuck me up.
[He strokes Karkat's back, gathering his thoughts, preparing himself for what he's going to try to do. Finally, he breathes in, exhales shakily across the top of Karkat's head.]
W-when Bro was there...I mean, I guess that was bad. [He breathes in deeply again and plows as far ahead as he can get from that small, raw admission.] But he'd go off a lot to play shows, or...I don't know, I guess. I don't know what he did when he wasn't there. But it was worse when he was gone.
I'd be left alone with--with all those fucking puppets. And it was fine when he was there, because when he was there, like--they were his, they belonged to him, everything in the apartment sort of oriented itself to him. Even...even me. When he was there, things just sort of happened the way he wanted, so even if it was shitty, at least, at least you knew what was up. Who was pulling the strings.
But he'd go, and, like...I'd tell myself it was cool, that he was treating me like I could take care of myself. And I had free run of the apartment and could mess with his shit if I thought I could handle it, like he trusted my judgment. But when he wasn't there, it was dead quiet in there, and all these dolls were just lying around with their eyes open at nothing and I...
[...Too far in. Too much. Dave comes back to where he is with a shiver, tugs Karkat closer, shakes his head to clear it and tries to will the chill and the sudden goosebumps away.]
I couldn't tell him I needed him, it'd...not just for that, even. Like if I didn't have enough food stashed up, or something broke, or I got hurt, I couldn't...he wasn't there. I had to just not need things until he got back, and then...I mean, if I could handle it on my own, then why should I bring it up later, either? I was, I was cool.
[His voice drops, low and bitter.]
But I wasn't. [Dave lets it sit there for a moment, lets it sink into his own ears. It's true. He has to accept that, now. He rocks Karkat a little, slowly, his face in his hair.] So don't you do that to yourself. You need something, you come get it. You're allowed. I--I want you to.
You can need me. It's okay. ...It makes me feel like I matter. You know?
[action]
I'll get better, too. At hearing when you say it. [He knows, he knows how hard it is. He'll learn the other ways Karkat says it, the cues he can mark.] ...Shoosh for a while, though. I want to tell you something, and if you stop me, you'll fuck me up.
[He strokes Karkat's back, gathering his thoughts, preparing himself for what he's going to try to do. Finally, he breathes in, exhales shakily across the top of Karkat's head.]
W-when Bro was there...I mean, I guess that was bad. [He breathes in deeply again and plows as far ahead as he can get from that small, raw admission.] But he'd go off a lot to play shows, or...I don't know, I guess. I don't know what he did when he wasn't there. But it was worse when he was gone.
I'd be left alone with--with all those fucking puppets. And it was fine when he was there, because when he was there, like--they were his, they belonged to him, everything in the apartment sort of oriented itself to him. Even...even me. When he was there, things just sort of happened the way he wanted, so even if it was shitty, at least, at least you knew what was up. Who was pulling the strings.
But he'd go, and, like...I'd tell myself it was cool, that he was treating me like I could take care of myself. And I had free run of the apartment and could mess with his shit if I thought I could handle it, like he trusted my judgment. But when he wasn't there, it was dead quiet in there, and all these dolls were just lying around with their eyes open at nothing and I...
[...Too far in. Too much. Dave comes back to where he is with a shiver, tugs Karkat closer, shakes his head to clear it and tries to will the chill and the sudden goosebumps away.]
I couldn't tell him I needed him, it'd...not just for that, even. Like if I didn't have enough food stashed up, or something broke, or I got hurt, I couldn't...he wasn't there. I had to just not need things until he got back, and then...I mean, if I could handle it on my own, then why should I bring it up later, either? I was, I was cool.
[His voice drops, low and bitter.]
But I wasn't. [Dave lets it sit there for a moment, lets it sink into his own ears. It's true. He has to accept that, now. He rocks Karkat a little, slowly, his face in his hair.] So don't you do that to yourself. You need something, you come get it. You're allowed. I--I want you to.
You can need me. It's okay. ...It makes me feel like I matter. You know?