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5 ∅ [Anonymous Text]
[You'd think Dave would have learned his lesson about anonymity, but maybe learning doesn't stick so well at ass in the morning when he can't sleep. At least it doesn't seem like he's really trying to mask his identity, here. It's just...a plausible deniability thing, maybe. Probably, given the content of his message.]
what was growing up like for you
like
how was your childhood
were you happy
what was growing up like for you
like
how was your childhood
were you happy
[action + anon text]
And... right. That.]
I had someone, yeah, but there was only so much they could do. We would have both been in trouble if it came to that.
[action + anon text]
[Ugh. This is a lot harder when Karkat knows it's him, even though it's Karkat, even though it's not like Karkat's gonna judge him for anything he asks. Even though Karkat's barely got any frame of reference for why this is so hard for him. He doesn't know what he'd do if Karkat did. Maybe he would never have asked in the first place.
He swallows and leans a little more against Karkat.]
did you like them
did they make things less scary
like at all
[action + anon text]
Yes.
I felt safe with him. Guardians are supposed to make you feel safe, even if they're scary in other ways.
Some of my friends had it different.
[action + anon text]
It kind of hurts to see that. He doesn't want to examine the feeling, so he cycles through some of the other responses for a second or two before coming back.]
a lot of them?
your friends
did a lot of them have it different
[action + anon text]
There was one girl whose guardian was
[Fuck. How to say this? He glances over his shoulder and sighs.]
very demanding, all the time. She had to support her or there would be consequences.
Actually, I had two friends like that, but the other one had help from a friend of hers. His relationship with his own guardian was pretty good, but the scope of that responsibility was... a lot, for kids our age.
And two of my other friends had guardians that weren't around at all.
[action + anon text]
i have a friend like that
whose guardian wasnt around at all
i think most of my friends really loved their guardians
even if they had problems or got kind of overbearing and annoying
or even if they werent around and they missed them something awful
was it like that for you too
[action + anon text]
It's not something I talked about a lot with two of the girls I mentioned and
[Shit. No, he's not going to react, fuck that guy, he's so done with this.]
that other guy, the one whose guardian wasn't around, it didn't come up with him that much, either
But I know one friend was very upset when her time with her guardian was cut short. They had some time together, and they were in contact through some other means I don't really fucking understand.
She definitely missed her.
[action + anon text]
would you want yours back now
[action + anon text]
Shoosh. It's okay, Dave.
[... shut up. Also, still typing.]
I don't know. I mean, on one level, yes, of course I want him back, but on another, what the fuck would I even say to him? I'm not sure I'd know how to talk to him anymore.
I can't pretend everything's the way it used to be. And I'm not sure how he would fit into my life now, in this place.
I still miss him.
[action]
Dave puts his PokéGear down on the bed beside him and just buries his head in his arms for a moment, because the alien planet that literally had no adults on it at all, that went out conquering other planets and leaving its young to fend for themselves in brooding caverns and deserts and treehouses--because fucking Alternia produced better caretakers than he got to have.
He speaks right into his elbow, barely understandable.]
I never want to see his fucking face again.
[action]
He turns around hastily to face Dave, one hand already held bracingly at his back while the other hovers in midair, uncertain. Should he be reaching out? Retreating? What?]
Hey—hey, no, shoosh, shoosh, it's okay. He's not here, it's okay.
[???? Is this right, he doesn't understand, what is he supposed to say? What the fuck had Dave's lusus done?]
You don't even have to think of him again if you don't want to. Okay? He's not part of your life anymore.
[action]
[He teeters on the knife edge between being desperately upset and anger, real anger, coiled hot and tight in the center of his chest. A very dim and distant part of him feels bad for dumping this on Karkat and not making anything easy for him, ever, but he can't uncurl, he physically cannot give him any cues right now.]
My whole world either came through him or was him and I didn't...it sucked and I hated it.
[It feels like spitting poison, getting all that out. Taken momentarily off-guard by his own vehemence, he shuts his jaw, concentrates on Karkat's hand at his back. When he speaks again, his voice is lower again.]
How fucked up is that, when getting raised by weird whale monsters and shit sounds more appealing than living with my own literal damn parent.
[action]
Dave—Dave, I get it, that was—you deserved better, that guy was an asshole, but you're away from him now, right? Right?
[He hugs him tighter, buries his face against Dave's shoulder and wills him calmer. Calm. Calm, goddammit, please don't be upset.]
It's fucked up. It's—it's really fucked up, if you think our system was, was better than yours, I told you about Vriska, she—her lusus would have eaten her if she didn't feed her other trolls, you know? A-and Feferi's lusus, she needed other lusii to survive, it was this whole bullshit thing, don't even ask me how it worked.
[He doesn't try to make Dave uncurl, doesn't try to do much of anything. Just. Please don't cry.]
I was lucky, I—I complained about him a lot, but my lusus was—he didn't compare to yours at all.
[Crabdad had protected him. He'd felt safe with him. Dave hadn't had that at all, had he?]
[action]
You don't even know what he was like, you're just saying stuff.
[But the hug is working. Dave's still upset, but his voice has dropped back to normal mumbling volume. He doesn't unfurl any further, but he loosens, leans into Karkat. The face in his shoulder is grounding, the arms around him are safety. They're the reminder of Karkat's promise. We'll help each other. Even if the whole world gets yanked out from under him, Karkat's already, already there to catch him.
There is no situation, apparently, in which Dave won't melt at a caring touch.
Karkat cares. Karkat cares. Karkat cares. Dave's throat feels cloggy and he thinks he might be shaking again, a little, but he turns his head and breathes in, finds the air. He tries to pull back from that rooftop under the sun like a skipping disc, stuttering in and out of time.]
I-I guess he wouldn't have eaten me. Or anybody else's parents. Unless, I don't know, it was ironic somehow. I'm being facetious. That's not a thing humans do.
[action]
[It isn't much of a defense, assuming it's a defense at all, but Karkat doesn't care about that. So what if he's just saying stuff? It's still true, and if Dave is this fucked up over all of it, any and all cultural differences don't make an iota of difference.]
It doesn't matter if he wasn't going to eat someone. He fucking scared you and made you feel unsafe, right? That's—that's wrong no matter what species you are, don't try and say it wasn't so bad just because he wasn't a giant fucking spider.
[The fact that Karkat can throw together a sentence like that and see absolutely nothing wrong with it probably says all that needs to be said about trolls. Whatever, not the issue, Dave is shaking and that needs to stop. He deserves a moirail who doesn't let that shit happen to begin with, but since he's stuck with Karkat...
Stifling an exasperated sigh at himself, he adjusts his hold on Dave so that he's no longer squeezing him half to death, instead gently cradling him and stroking his hair. Shh, shh, it's okay.]
Whatever he did to make you feel that way about him was wrong, and I know you wouldn't just say that shit if it wasn't something really fucked up. I know you, Dave.
[Not everything about him, which is abundantly clear from this whole conversation, but enough to know that Dave wouldn't exaggerate anything if it would make him seem weaker. He wouldn't admit the truth if it made him seem weaker, and what kind of stupidity is that? Is that because of his lusus, too?]
[action]
[His body's giving him mixed signals everywhere. The hand in his hair is still the nicest thing, being held like this makes him just want to kind of turn off and go to sleep (and not think about this, put off thinking about this until forever, until never); but his brain is still racing, still spinning its wheels endlessly on a single track.
The shaking slows, then starts again. Starts and slows. It's slowing more than starting up again, though, and Dave feels weirdly disconnected from himself, almost. Weirdly distant, like his words are coming from somewhere else.
But he can still feel Karkat's hand in his hair. His arm around him. That's good.]
I don't know. I don't know, Karkat, he...he's dead and I don't get it. If it was so bad, then how could he do that to...Why, why would he...
[Why would Bro treat him like a cheap, unloved toy--something he could throw around until he got bored and only paid the slightest attention to because he was there, because he wasn't shitty enough to just throw out? Why would he do that if he understood it hurt him? How could he do that if he cared at all?
Did he?
Dave finally moves enough to slip his arms around Karkat in return, to press his face into his shoulder like that could mask how small his voice is, how much it hurts to ask.]
If he didn't want me, why didn't he just...?
[He can't even finish the question.]
[action]
I don't know.
[Karkat isn't sure if Dave genuinely expects an answer, but he has to say something. He can't let this pain go unacknowledged, and even if he doesn't know what to do about it, responding at all has to count for something, right? He's listening, he's here, and he's sure as fuck not going to back out of this moirallegiance just because his palemate's shit is beyond his capacity to handle. He can't leave. He doesn't want to leave. How the fuck could anyone not want Dave?
He doesn't stop petting his hair even though that much still feels inadequate—story of his fucking life, obviously. He doesn't know what Dave needs. If he could think of something else to say, maybe...
Karkat hesitates, then tries again.]
Some people—trolls, and I guess lusii, are just broken that way. There isn't always a reason.
[People like Vriska—or Gamzee, more likely, who just didn't know how the fuck to do anything or relate to people without hurting them. God, is that what Dave had meant when he'd first told Karkat he was broken? But that's—no, that couldn't be it, Dave could never be like that. Not his moirail.]
I don't know why else anyone wouldn't want you.
[action]
I wish I hadn't killed Rose's pony with my butt. Then maybe it could've raised me and all my problems would just be about, I don't know, rough pastures and oats and shit. [His expression twists into a grimace against Karkat's shoulder.] Instead of whatever the fuck you want to call this.
[After a beat, he lifts himself from Karkat's shoulder so he can press his hand over his face. He's not crying, he's not--he literally can't and think about Bro at the same time. It had been the same on LOWAS, when he'd seen him pinned there in his own blood like he was...like he was one of Dave's dead bugs, stuck to cardstock in a frame. Like Bro was that fragile and fleeting. Like he was human.
His other hand sticks to Karkat's shoulder like it's glued. Magnetized. Please don't let him go.]
Can you believe--I, I thought everyone was in the same boat? John and Rose were always griping bitterly about all the goddamn affection their parents would lay on them, all the cake and heartfelt notes, and...I guess Jade's granddad was dead basically the whole time I knew her and she was alone with her dog on that fucking island, but she made...she made him sound like he really loved her, too. And I didn't understand, but I had to laugh along like, yeah, okay, I guess this is the same as living with a fucking...expressionless psychotic robot, I don't know. Like, was Jade's dead taxidermied old man corpse better at taking care of her than my own fuckin'--my own--
[Dave cuts his own damn self off, gritting his teeth. Forces it down, even if Karkat said not to, because the last thing he ever wants to do is scare Karkat with how fucking awful he feels. Not Karkat. Not after everything he's been through.
He has to pull his hand back, though, to rub both of them over his eyes. Stupid shades, always in the way.]
I wish I could've been with her. Or with Rose, or with--
[With literally anyone who wasn't Bro.
Well, maybe not the crazy spider monster.
Slowly, he leans forward again, hands still pressed over his face, and lets his forehead bump to a rest against Karkat's shoulder again. Bunp.]
Sorry, this is why--why I didn't want to talk about it, but. Karkat, I wish I met you a million years ago so I could've figured out what someone caring about me was supposed to look like. So I wouldn't...so I wouldn't have to feel so stupid now.
[action]
The more Dave speaks, though, the clearer it becomes that yeah, that was overcompensation, and Karkat gives his moirail a reassuring squeeze on principle, settling in easily enough to listen because like fuck does he have a single goddamn clue what else to do right now. He may not be as good a listener as the Mayor (no one is), but he's better at it than offering advice. That will have to do.
Unfortunately, he's no closer to knowing what to say to make this better by the time Dave stumbles through his apology, and quickly, the hand that had been semi-frozen at the nape of Dave's neck relocates to his cheek for a gentle pap. Why the fuck is he sorry, in what universe is that the correct response? What the hell—]
You aren't stupid. Shoosh, Dave, none of this is your fault.
[His thumb collides with the ridge of those damned, damned sunglasses, and with an exasperated huff, he gently lifts Dave's chin just enough that he can tug them off and set them aside. He should have done that earlier, but whatever, they're out of the way now.]
You didn't know how things were supposed to be, so of course you're going to need time to figure things out. It's not your fault.
[He smooths down Dave's hair again, rests his head against the one parked comfortably on his shoulder.]
You were fucking six sweeps old when I met you. If you only had those experiences to go on, then how would you know better? It's okay.
[Inasmuch as it can be okay, but Karkat stands by what he'd said. Dave had been fucking thirteen in human years and then he'd been stuck on a meteor full of aliens, none of whom had had anything resembling normal upbringings even by their species' standards. So, with only his own experiences and all that shit to go by... it makes sense that Dave hadn't put this together until now.]
[action]
It's not your fault. It's not your fault. You're okay.]
How do you do that...
[He should be upset. He is upset, or will be again, he's pretty sure. Every truth he's built himself on turned out to be pretend, a fairy tale he wove to protect himself because monsters didn't stay under the bed where he lived, and blankets wouldn't stop them.
But he feels all right. Not great, not even close, but soothed, maybe. Stabilized. Karkat's not talking to him like Dave's gotta be coaxed down in whispers like a cornered animal, like the world is falling apart; he's just talking to him like normal. It makes it feel normal. Like he's got this. Like he doesn't have to be falling apart.
How does he do that?]
How do you just. Make things okay. Pretty sure 's not all okay, but it's really hard to argue with you when you're here being all reasonable and making sense.
[...Mm. Dave rubs the spot between his eyes against Karkat's shoulder.]
And petting me, I guess. That probably helps.
[action]
Impulsively, he ruffles the hair he'd been meticulously grooming mere seconds ago, and even if he immediately goes back to carefully teasing each strand back into place, he just. Shut up, he doesn't need to explain himself.]
The petting is fucking crucial, and I will fight anyone who claims otherwise. [He really will. Maybe. Okay, probably not.] I can't believe you're choosing now to analyze it. Didn't you say I was the one who overcomplicates things? Shoosh and leave the thinking to people who are mentally qualified to handle it, moron.
[... Yes, even though he'd also just spent some time previously establishing that no, Dave is not an idiot. This is clearly different.
Gradually, his hand slows, then stops. Dave may seem to have improved over earlier, but with a subject like this... there has to be more he can do to help him. For once, he thinks he might have an idea of what that could be.]
You don't have to be afraid to talk about things with me. I'm not going to... fuck.
[He pulls his arm back just long enough to scratch at his own head, then wraps it around Dave again.]
I don't think there's anything you could tell me that would make me stop... you know. [Fuck, why is this so hard this time, he'd said it enough times before.] My feelings for you aren't going to change. Not over something like this.
[action]
I. I know. I just...
[His mouth is open, like the words might just fall out, but there's nothing there. His shoulders slump a little more.]
It's hard to talk about. [That comes out way too plaintive, so he takes a deeper breath and tries again.] And I don't want to give you the wrong impression, like...i-if I'm wrong about it, or making stuff up. If I'm being too...
[Too sensitive. Too needy. Too, he doesn't know, too something. He shakes his head a little against Karkat's shoulder.]
I know you said I wasn't, but it's still...that's why I had to ask so many people, I don't know what was. What was wrong. Or where to start. ...Or if I should.
[So much for sounding normal. He can't get much louder than a mumble. But he's not shaking anymore, at least. He rubs his palm over the flat of Karkat's back to ground himself more than anything.]
It's been a really long time.
[action]
[How many times does he need to shoosh this human, surely there's some upper limit. Not that Karkat actually minds, however much he'll pretend otherwise once it stops mattering, but it still kills him a little every time Dave's voice falters and he struggles to speak. He's making Dave too defensive, and how the fuck had he even managed that? It's the exact opposite of the effect he'd been aiming for. Fuck, he's so stupid.
Biting his lower lip, he gives his moirail another squeeze and tries to think of the best way to phrase his response. If this incident were absolutely one hundred percent guaranteed to be the last time Dave faced this dilemma, he wouldn't think anything of it, but yeah no, there's no chance in hell. So...]
Needing time to sort it out is different. And I'm not going to blame you if you need to ask other people first, especially if it's about human bullshit I don't fucking understand. I mean, it's—something we're both going to have to get used to. Our cultures are too different.
[Except Dave had a metric fuckton of humans to choose from while Karkat haoh wow look at that, a change in subject! Fucking focus, Present Karkat, this isn't about you.]
So if you're not talking to me because of that, or because you're just not ready yet... that's totally fine, all right? I just don't want you to hold back because you think I'll judge you for it or flip my shit or whatever.
You can tell me anything, Dave. When you're ready.
[action]
But still. Still, he's got to...]
...Even if I never get there?
[He turns his head a little, though there isn't much point. He can't see much besides the side of Karkat's neck, can't read his face or his body language.]
You'll still...you won't think it's your fault? Or feel...disappointed, or, or think I'm not trying, or...
[Yeah, there probably isn't an upper limit for how much Karkat has to shoosh this human. Shooshing is not part of his vocabulary. The Fountain of Strider cannot be stopped up.]
...It'll be okay?
[action]
Karkat goes still, hardly daring to breathe. If Dave doesn't—no, what the fuck, he's acting like an entitled little bitch, who is he to demand that his moirail tell him everything, that there be no secrets between them? Maybe somewhere out there, there is—was some lucky pair whose moirallegiance functioned like that, but Karkat is a goddamn expert at this shit by now and should know that it doesn't always work like that. He's just—he's so fucking tired of secrets and skulking in the shadows and never being there, ever, but Dave has nothing to do with that. That isn't Dave.
And if he gets stubborn and insists on something even he knows is utter bullshit, no matter how much he wishes it wasn't, he'll only drive Dave away.]
I'm—I'm not—
[Fuck could he be any more transparent? He's so selfish, stupid, worthless, he wouldn't even blame Dave at this point if he just got up and left.
He tries taking a deep breath, then another. Come on, this shouldn't be such a federal fucking issue.]
I won't blame you if you don't. It's okay, Dave.
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