it doesnt look super far on the map but with the roads and everything the way they are like i assume itd take some time to get back are you ok do you need us
[The answer to that question should be obvious, because on her video goes, to her familiar hotel room where she's curled against her bed's headboard. Her eyes are red, but any tears don't seem to be incredibly recent. That's a plus.]
H...hi, I... ...I don't even know what to say now. [Her voice is soft.] You...when did you run into him?
I'm... [It is weird. But she starts to shake her head, on impulse. Not to anything Dave's saying, just to the act of thinking about it to begin with.
A deep breath.]
I am so far from okay. 'Cause- I- I remembered, right? What you said about...those weekends. When so many unfamiliar people showed up, and...everyone got their old forms back, I knew, they probably weren't- I knew it was just...for a weekend, so I braced myself, but still.
[A brief pause, and in it she just bites down hard in her mouth, grinding her teeth together.]
...It feels like the worst dream come true I've ever had.
[He closes his eyes. Doesn't say anything for a second.]
Yeah.
[Jade came back, after she showed up that first time, but it never does to get people's hopes up. If hope's really what it'd be, for Ashley to see one of those people again in particular.]
You didn't tell them, did you. You just...you kept smiling through the whole thing.
[And there it is, her breath hitching, as she puts on a pained smile.]
Why would I have? It'd be stupid to ruin it, to...ruin us. Again. [They were going to wake up and find it all broken anyway.] I just had to- to push it all down again.
[Her feelings for Chris. The complications between them. What Josh did. Her anger and guilt.]
[She wasn't wrong to. He knows that, even if everyone told him differently; he knows what it is to need to preserve something precious even if it's a lie.]
I know. I had to--I thought I had to, too, a while ago. And it's so--it's such shit, it hurts so bad and it's...
[It's not fair. She's alone again. He stops, then swallows, shakes his head.]
Here. Ash, hey, you said I'm like Josh, right? Just lay it on me, at least then it's out and it'll--it won't hurt as much, afterwards. Promise.
I can take it. And I mean, I know you're not actually yelling at me. Just, I mean, it's really not good to keep it in. Take it from me. I fucked up so you don't have to, et cetera.
[He runs a hand back through his hair and sighs, lowering his voice.]
...Pretty sure you already told me the part that'd fuck me up the most, anyway. Ashley, it's fine. Really.
[That is the thing, isn't it? She's been keeping it all in, and..
Ashley blinks shining eyes and looks away...but she starts to talk. Maybe it's easier, not seeing Dave's face.]
You... H-how could you... How could you do that to us? To- if not just to me, to Sam, to Chris! Did you think it'd- it'd fix everything, it'd make it all better, why did you make me s-see that? Your f-fucking...body, hanging there, why did you make Ch-Chris...
[She takes a deep breath.]
How could you make him choose? Twice? Do you know what that- what that'll do to him? ...What that did to me, every night, I still see... [Ashley hasn't told Dave this part. Her breath catches.
...and she continues.] See the gun at his chin. When I thought it was real, I...I wanted to die, Josh, just so- so he wouldn't have to, so I wouldn't have to see that, I wanted to so I wouldn't have to see what was left, how could you put that in my head, how could y-you...play on everything we- everything I was afraid of like that, I thought--
[Her shoulders tremble. Her eyes are squeezed shut.]
I'm sorry. I'm so...so sorry, I've been sorry and I can never change it, but now- now neither can you. [Instead of furious, like it has been, Ashley's voice just sounds strained. Like she's holding in tears.] You can't...e-even apologize, you just- left me with that for the picture of one of m-my best friends, that's- the last time I saw you, raving about your fucking masterpiece, and- and I h-hate it.
[She opens her eyes and looks at Dave. She can't hold back her tears now.]
I hate you. I hate that you've left me w-with this. I-I hate that I c-can't just hate you. I hate th-that every...damn memory o-of...everything is covered in that, a-and I wish I could just hit you and try to learn how to forgive you, Josh!
[The Pokégear trembles in her hands and Ashley almost drops it to her lap. Almost. Pink ribbons signal Arwen's arrive, and the Sylveon starts nuzzling into Ashley's side as she sobs.]
[Dave has to swallow before he can reply. He made the offer sincerely, and he wouldn't take it back; it was obviously the right thing to do, just listen to her, she needed this like he needed--like he needs--like, anyway, this isn't about him.
It's still hard to sit there and hear all of it. Not even because of the words, really, because he still only half-understands some parts (and maybe doesn't want to understand, fully, until he's got some time to think it over); but listening to Ashley push the words out, hearing the real, raw feeling in there, everything for her friend, all the betrayal and love--]
I wish I could be there and hug you right the fuck now, Ashley.
[He keeps from hugging himself, barely, by balling his hands on his knees and biting his tongue.]
I wish...do you even know, how, how...I wish those were words I could've said, too. I wish you could've said them to Josh when he was here, you both need--
[His voice threatens to break and he cuts himself off and shakes his head, raking his hair back again, looking off to the side until he masters himself.]
Did...is that working at all, do you feel... [Dave, fucklord, she's crying.] I mean, take your time.
[Dave's voice evokes a horrible hiccup and she covers just clutches her face with one hand. Yeah, she would say if she could. I would really like a damn hug right now.
It seems at least Arwen gets that memo, because her feelers wrap around her whole torso. She's so despondent that it doesn't take away the feeling, but it leaves something warm in her stomach. What a glorious contradiction. What a perfect conflicting state of being for this conversation.
She wishes she could offer him something, something... Anything. 'Cause of course, this is hard for him, the associations, the- everything, his brother-- but no, she's a little busy with herself right now. What she can do, however, what she can accomplish is
A little nod.] I-it- it h-hurts but--
[That's really all she can get out, through her tears and through her shallow breathing. Ah, Arwen's feelers, they're holding tighter to try and assist with that. Hyperventilating would be pretty bad, so. Let's try and stop that, please.]
![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
[Text] 6/4 gotta stop putting this off
[Text]
except for john who somehow got his ass blown all the way to cianwood the fucker
what about you
[Text]
damn
no goldenrod
olivine's far?
[Text]
i assume itd take some time to get back
are you ok do you need us
[Text]
it feels really stupid now that i'm talking to you i knew i shouldn't have done this
things are just
weird after that whole moon thing
[Text]
yeah i uh
so i met josh
[Text]
did you now?
that
yeah that's a lot of what's fucking with me right now
[Text]
he didnt seem like he knew anything was wrong
[Text]
he was from the night it all happened
when they disappeared but before he found out
he had no idea
[Text]
oh holy shit
was
ashley seriously are you ok ill fly back to goldenrod if necessary
[Text]
he was so happy and alive?
chris was there too but neither of them knew and it was so hard
maybe
it might be nice to see someone
[Text]
i
will it at least be better if we switch to video
[Video]
H...hi, I... ...I don't even know what to say now. [Her voice is soft.] You...when did you run into him?
[Video]
[He doesn't try to smile, but his expression is steady behind his shades.]
Chris was there, too?
[Video]
[Part of her really wants to laugh.
Too bad she can't.] Yeah, it...it was both of them. From...that night, just laughing and talking like...like we'd all just been hanging out.
[Video]
[He rubs the back of his neck before meeting her gaze again.]
How...do you feel? You don't have to be okay, like. It just sometimes helps to put words on it. Is what I hear.
[Video]
A deep breath.]
I am so far from okay. 'Cause- I- I remembered, right? What you said about...those weekends. When so many unfamiliar people showed up, and...everyone got their old forms back, I knew, they probably weren't- I knew it was just...for a weekend, so I braced myself, but still.
[A brief pause, and in it she just bites down hard in her mouth, grinding her teeth together.]
...It feels like the worst dream come true I've ever had.
[Video]
Yeah.
[Jade came back, after she showed up that first time, but it never does to get people's hopes up. If hope's really what it'd be, for Ashley to see one of those people again in particular.]
You didn't tell them, did you. You just...you kept smiling through the whole thing.
[Video]
Why would I have? It'd be stupid to ruin it, to...ruin us. Again. [They were going to wake up and find it all broken anyway.] I just had to- to push it all down again.
[Her feelings for Chris. The complications between them. What Josh did. Her anger and guilt.]
[Video]
[She wasn't wrong to. He knows that, even if everyone told him differently; he knows what it is to need to preserve something precious even if it's a lie.]
I know. I had to--I thought I had to, too, a while ago. And it's so--it's such shit, it hurts so bad and it's...
[It's not fair. She's alone again. He stops, then swallows, shakes his head.]
Here. Ash, hey, you said I'm like Josh, right? Just lay it on me, at least then it's out and it'll--it won't hurt as much, afterwards. Promise.
[Video]
Wh-- D-Dave, no, I couldn't- I couldn't do that to you, there's a lot.
[Karkat did tell her to write a letter, after all.]
[Video]
[He runs a hand back through his hair and sighs, lowering his voice.]
...Pretty sure you already told me the part that'd fuck me up the most, anyway. Ashley, it's fine. Really.
[Video]
Ashley blinks shining eyes and looks away...but she starts to talk. Maybe it's easier, not seeing Dave's face.]
You... H-how could you... How could you do that to us? To- if not just to me, to Sam, to Chris! Did you think it'd- it'd fix everything, it'd make it all better, why did you make me s-see that? Your f-fucking...body, hanging there, why did you make Ch-Chris...
[She takes a deep breath.]
How could you make him choose? Twice? Do you know what that- what that'll do to him? ...What that did to me, every night, I still see... [Ashley hasn't told Dave this part. Her breath catches.
...and she continues.] See the gun at his chin. When I thought it was real, I...I wanted to die, Josh, just so- so he wouldn't have to, so I wouldn't have to see that, I wanted to so I wouldn't have to see what was left, how could you put that in my head, how could y-you...play on everything we- everything I was afraid of like that, I thought--
[Her shoulders tremble. Her eyes are squeezed shut.]
I'm sorry. I'm so...so sorry, I've been sorry and I can never change it, but now- now neither can you. [Instead of furious, like it has been, Ashley's voice just sounds strained. Like she's holding in tears.] You can't...e-even apologize, you just- left me with that for the picture of one of m-my best friends, that's- the last time I saw you, raving about your fucking masterpiece, and- and I h-hate it.
[She opens her eyes and looks at Dave. She can't hold back her tears now.]
I hate you. I hate that you've left me w-with this. I-I hate that I c-can't just hate you. I hate th-that every...damn memory o-of...everything is covered in that, a-and I wish I could just hit you and try to learn how to forgive you, Josh!
[The Pokégear trembles in her hands and Ashley almost drops it to her lap. Almost. Pink ribbons signal Arwen's arrive, and the Sylveon starts nuzzling into Ashley's side as she sobs.]
I j-just wanted to find a way to forgive him.
[Video]
It's still hard to sit there and hear all of it. Not even because of the words, really, because he still only half-understands some parts (and maybe doesn't want to understand, fully, until he's got some time to think it over); but listening to Ashley push the words out, hearing the real, raw feeling in there, everything for her friend, all the betrayal and love--]
I wish I could be there and hug you right the fuck now, Ashley.
[He keeps from hugging himself, barely, by balling his hands on his knees and biting his tongue.]
I wish...do you even know, how, how...I wish those were words I could've said, too. I wish you could've said them to Josh when he was here, you both need--
[His voice threatens to break and he cuts himself off and shakes his head, raking his hair back again, looking off to the side until he masters himself.]
Did...is that working at all, do you feel... [Dave, fucklord, she's crying.] I mean, take your time.
[Video]
It seems at least Arwen gets that memo, because her feelers wrap around her whole torso. She's so despondent that it doesn't take away the feeling, but it leaves something warm in her stomach. What a glorious contradiction. What a perfect conflicting state of being for this conversation.
She wishes she could offer him something, something... Anything. 'Cause of course, this is hard for him, the associations, the- everything, his brother-- but no, she's a little busy with herself right now. What she can do, however, what she can accomplish is
A little nod.] I-it- it h-hurts but--
[That's really all she can get out, through her tears and through her shallow breathing. Ah, Arwen's feelers, they're holding tighter to try and assist with that. Hyperventilating would be pretty bad, so. Let's try and stop that, please.]
[Video]
[Video]
[Video]
[Video]