I can take it. And I mean, I know you're not actually yelling at me. Just, I mean, it's really not good to keep it in. Take it from me. I fucked up so you don't have to, et cetera.
[He runs a hand back through his hair and sighs, lowering his voice.]
...Pretty sure you already told me the part that'd fuck me up the most, anyway. Ashley, it's fine. Really.
[That is the thing, isn't it? She's been keeping it all in, and..
Ashley blinks shining eyes and looks away...but she starts to talk. Maybe it's easier, not seeing Dave's face.]
You... H-how could you... How could you do that to us? To- if not just to me, to Sam, to Chris! Did you think it'd- it'd fix everything, it'd make it all better, why did you make me s-see that? Your f-fucking...body, hanging there, why did you make Ch-Chris...
[She takes a deep breath.]
How could you make him choose? Twice? Do you know what that- what that'll do to him? ...What that did to me, every night, I still see... [Ashley hasn't told Dave this part. Her breath catches.
...and she continues.] See the gun at his chin. When I thought it was real, I...I wanted to die, Josh, just so- so he wouldn't have to, so I wouldn't have to see that, I wanted to so I wouldn't have to see what was left, how could you put that in my head, how could y-you...play on everything we- everything I was afraid of like that, I thought--
[Her shoulders tremble. Her eyes are squeezed shut.]
I'm sorry. I'm so...so sorry, I've been sorry and I can never change it, but now- now neither can you. [Instead of furious, like it has been, Ashley's voice just sounds strained. Like she's holding in tears.] You can't...e-even apologize, you just- left me with that for the picture of one of m-my best friends, that's- the last time I saw you, raving about your fucking masterpiece, and- and I h-hate it.
[She opens her eyes and looks at Dave. She can't hold back her tears now.]
I hate you. I hate that you've left me w-with this. I-I hate that I c-can't just hate you. I hate th-that every...damn memory o-of...everything is covered in that, a-and I wish I could just hit you and try to learn how to forgive you, Josh!
[The Pokégear trembles in her hands and Ashley almost drops it to her lap. Almost. Pink ribbons signal Arwen's arrive, and the Sylveon starts nuzzling into Ashley's side as she sobs.]
[Dave has to swallow before he can reply. He made the offer sincerely, and he wouldn't take it back; it was obviously the right thing to do, just listen to her, she needed this like he needed--like he needs--like, anyway, this isn't about him.
It's still hard to sit there and hear all of it. Not even because of the words, really, because he still only half-understands some parts (and maybe doesn't want to understand, fully, until he's got some time to think it over); but listening to Ashley push the words out, hearing the real, raw feeling in there, everything for her friend, all the betrayal and love--]
I wish I could be there and hug you right the fuck now, Ashley.
[He keeps from hugging himself, barely, by balling his hands on his knees and biting his tongue.]
I wish...do you even know, how, how...I wish those were words I could've said, too. I wish you could've said them to Josh when he was here, you both need--
[His voice threatens to break and he cuts himself off and shakes his head, raking his hair back again, looking off to the side until he masters himself.]
Did...is that working at all, do you feel... [Dave, fucklord, she's crying.] I mean, take your time.
[Dave's voice evokes a horrible hiccup and she covers just clutches her face with one hand. Yeah, she would say if she could. I would really like a damn hug right now.
It seems at least Arwen gets that memo, because her feelers wrap around her whole torso. She's so despondent that it doesn't take away the feeling, but it leaves something warm in her stomach. What a glorious contradiction. What a perfect conflicting state of being for this conversation.
She wishes she could offer him something, something... Anything. 'Cause of course, this is hard for him, the associations, the- everything, his brother-- but no, she's a little busy with herself right now. What she can do, however, what she can accomplish is
A little nod.] I-it- it h-hurts but--
[That's really all she can get out, through her tears and through her shallow breathing. Ah, Arwen's feelers, they're holding tighter to try and assist with that. Hyperventilating would be pretty bad, so. Let's try and stop that, please.]
[He gets it. He manages a wavering little smile, because it's good, that but. Dave Strider, he understands a good hurt. The kind of hurt that heals.]
Maybe more like yanking out a loose tooth than a kick in the gut, huh?
[The smile fades, but into thoughtfulness this time. He laces his fingers together, rubs the pad of his thumb against the side of the other hand, then says,]
[The smile comes back. It's more at the corners of his eyes than in his mouth, but his stupid shades are in the way; it's a thing almost felt more than seen.]
![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
[Video]
Wh-- D-Dave, no, I couldn't- I couldn't do that to you, there's a lot.
[Karkat did tell her to write a letter, after all.]
[Video]
[He runs a hand back through his hair and sighs, lowering his voice.]
...Pretty sure you already told me the part that'd fuck me up the most, anyway. Ashley, it's fine. Really.
[Video]
Ashley blinks shining eyes and looks away...but she starts to talk. Maybe it's easier, not seeing Dave's face.]
You... H-how could you... How could you do that to us? To- if not just to me, to Sam, to Chris! Did you think it'd- it'd fix everything, it'd make it all better, why did you make me s-see that? Your f-fucking...body, hanging there, why did you make Ch-Chris...
[She takes a deep breath.]
How could you make him choose? Twice? Do you know what that- what that'll do to him? ...What that did to me, every night, I still see... [Ashley hasn't told Dave this part. Her breath catches.
...and she continues.] See the gun at his chin. When I thought it was real, I...I wanted to die, Josh, just so- so he wouldn't have to, so I wouldn't have to see that, I wanted to so I wouldn't have to see what was left, how could you put that in my head, how could y-you...play on everything we- everything I was afraid of like that, I thought--
[Her shoulders tremble. Her eyes are squeezed shut.]
I'm sorry. I'm so...so sorry, I've been sorry and I can never change it, but now- now neither can you. [Instead of furious, like it has been, Ashley's voice just sounds strained. Like she's holding in tears.] You can't...e-even apologize, you just- left me with that for the picture of one of m-my best friends, that's- the last time I saw you, raving about your fucking masterpiece, and- and I h-hate it.
[She opens her eyes and looks at Dave. She can't hold back her tears now.]
I hate you. I hate that you've left me w-with this. I-I hate that I c-can't just hate you. I hate th-that every...damn memory o-of...everything is covered in that, a-and I wish I could just hit you and try to learn how to forgive you, Josh!
[The Pokégear trembles in her hands and Ashley almost drops it to her lap. Almost. Pink ribbons signal Arwen's arrive, and the Sylveon starts nuzzling into Ashley's side as she sobs.]
I j-just wanted to find a way to forgive him.
[Video]
It's still hard to sit there and hear all of it. Not even because of the words, really, because he still only half-understands some parts (and maybe doesn't want to understand, fully, until he's got some time to think it over); but listening to Ashley push the words out, hearing the real, raw feeling in there, everything for her friend, all the betrayal and love--]
I wish I could be there and hug you right the fuck now, Ashley.
[He keeps from hugging himself, barely, by balling his hands on his knees and biting his tongue.]
I wish...do you even know, how, how...I wish those were words I could've said, too. I wish you could've said them to Josh when he was here, you both need--
[His voice threatens to break and he cuts himself off and shakes his head, raking his hair back again, looking off to the side until he masters himself.]
Did...is that working at all, do you feel... [Dave, fucklord, she's crying.] I mean, take your time.
[Video]
It seems at least Arwen gets that memo, because her feelers wrap around her whole torso. She's so despondent that it doesn't take away the feeling, but it leaves something warm in her stomach. What a glorious contradiction. What a perfect conflicting state of being for this conversation.
She wishes she could offer him something, something... Anything. 'Cause of course, this is hard for him, the associations, the- everything, his brother-- but no, she's a little busy with herself right now. What she can do, however, what she can accomplish is
A little nod.] I-it- it h-hurts but--
[That's really all she can get out, through her tears and through her shallow breathing. Ah, Arwen's feelers, they're holding tighter to try and assist with that. Hyperventilating would be pretty bad, so. Let's try and stop that, please.]
[Video]
Maybe more like yanking out a loose tooth than a kick in the gut, huh?
[The smile fades, but into thoughtfulness this time. He laces his fingers together, rubs the pad of his thumb against the side of the other hand, then says,]
Will you say it to him? If you see him again.
['I think you should.'
He keeps that part to himself.]
[Video]
Doesn't react to that, for a short time. Other than crying, focusing on Arwen.
Her mouth opens, jaw trembles, and.]
Y- yeah. I-I-- yeah. I think I will.
[Video]
Cool.
[He mimes a little fist bump towards the screen.]
Proud of you, girl.
[Video]
Th- thanks. I...
Thank y-you for...listening.