[It's two kinds of weird simultaneously to see Dirk smiling with Karkat's face--one, because like hell does Karkat ever make SMALL expressions with his face, even when he's trying to keep things on the down-low--and two, because he's never seen Bro smile, ever, and...he's curious, for a second, what Dirk really looks like. In his body proper, that is, what his mannerisms would be, if he'd...maybe not be as scary as he'd assumed. But anyway, that's neither here nor there.]
So...huh.
[The thoughts slip into a more sober, more uncertain mode for a moment and what comes up are...puppet butts? Uh, okay. It's only a flash this time before Dave shoves the picture out of his head and puts an effort into brightening up again.]
So this Jake guy does, too, huh? Or, I mean, I guess he could just be helplessly drawn to the sheer animal magnetism of our genes. And by genes I mean glutes.
[ It doesn't last long. It fades back into something neutral again, because he's looking at Wart and Dave's face isn't the one smiling along with him. Reminds him there's someone walking around with his head on their shoulders. But there's a slight lightness to him now, at least. He's not as uncomfortable. Talking with Dave is cathartic, he thinks. Must be a universal constant.
Wait. Was that a foam ass? Maybe he's imagining that himself. He'd question it but Dirk knows better than to go anywhere near puppets around Dave. He'd have to be the one to initiate that conversation. Didn't Dave have a puppet ass as a wristwatch? ]
Not exactly. He would go either way. [ Jake mentioning his love of ladies over and over. Brushing off the obvious Magneto/Xavier thing going on Dirk drops hints at him with in favor of talking about what a gorgeous cerulean goddess that Mystique is. "Hubba hubba", it reads in green. Dirk had a sinking feeling he'll be alone for a while. Then Jake mentions the actor's blue eyes casually and there had been enough hope to not give up on him completely. ]
We do have some fantastic glutes. Let's not rule that out as our main selling point.
[Click. The light bulb switches on, and Dave spins quickly through bright spring green and angry grey and then shoves it all back under the bed, so to speak, of the scattered distraction that is his brain. Nope, not for sharing, not with family, not yet.]
Trolls are like that, too. Most of them don't really care either way, it's not, like, a...category? Orientation's not a thing they think of themselves with, is what I mean. But they still totally have preferences, I have noticed the fuck out of that shit.
[A slightly more distant impression of cool jade--friendly, but not close. A sense of not-his, of connection to lovely purple and light.]
[ Is Dave figuring something out over there? He can't get a read out. He hopes he is. Whatever helps. ]
There wasn't a category in the future either seeing how it was just the two of us. Roxy certainly has no qualms about calling everyone hot. But women don't do it for me. [ He shrugs again, one shouldered this time. Far more casual. It's, you know, whatever. He thinks of pink declarations of love. They should get married. They should do this. The disappointment of letting her down. Roxy takes it in stride. He wonders if they could have that deep platonic love Dave's mixed up in. He's never curled around her with affection. He should. She'd probably love it. Trolls might have a few good ideas.
He doesn't know these colors. He hopes he gets to. Dave has so many friends. He probably would need extra hands to count them all on his fingers. Dirk just needs one. ]
[Oh, huh. Dave holds onto his newfound sexual enlightenment for a moment before letting it go to examine this new thought, this pink and admirable creature.]
That's... [His feelings say something he doesn't quite have a concrete concept for, something feminine and soothing and assured. And good at hugs. Mom, say his feelings, though what comes out is:] Roxy? That's what she's like?
[It tugs at that thread of lilac in him, a thin shell of smooth, forbidding crystal around light and laughter and fierce affection, fierce need. Love, Rose loves so much and she's so clumsy with it like she never is with anything else.]
[ He doesn't know this concept. This warm Mom. It circles back to Roxy, who would play it for Dave but doesn't apply to him. He can't put a word to it. That's fine. It doesn't need a name. ] Yeah. That's it.
[ Dirk doesn't have to verbalize it this time. He's already thinking about her again. That warm light in a world of cold ocean blue that feels close enough to touch despite being miles away. Grabbing her hand in their dreams over and over and over. Fierce need to keep her safe. The strongest connection. Just the two of them versus the world. The others don't understand them. They protect them together. A kiss that's easier to give than he thought. The warm body clinging to his side and it's the first human touch. The most genuine smile in the world. Giggles of pure delight and it's his new favorite sound in the universe. Pink that distracts from the terrible. Breath of air in enough loneliness to drown in.
Just them. Always reaching out to him regardless of where he is. A daily greeting. Being cared for and loved and safe. Selfless Roxy who gives and gives. A smile in a thousand frowns. There's this feeling of profound respect directed at her. Awe. Someone to look up to. So blindly whole and pure. Hold close and never let go. ]
[It's overwhelming, really. That there's someone out there like that, so strong and still warm, so...so good that she makes the world better just by being there. Overwhelming, too, to feel that powerful an outpouring from Dirk, whom Dave's still in the process of untangling from Bro. Bro, who definitely never felt that way about anybody. Or at least never thought that way about him. But Dirk feels like that, and it's not even close to what Dave feels, so different and yet just as terrible as how Dave feels about--]
Oh.
[Brilliance and sarcasm that kindness wore as a disguise, but Rose was all Light, he'd known and not known it and she never seemed to see it. So pompous and self-aggrandizing but it was all an act, she was an awful, goofy little girl and she tried so hard, harder than anybody, loved so painfully and never knew how not to grab it by the thorns.
i dont want you to die, he'd told her, and it was the last thing before they did. He chased after her because she's his sister and it wasn't right, will never be right, for the world to close over her that rare, fragile light in her, how silly and lovely and full of care Rose she really is. And it hurt, it hurt, like needles dragged too hard across a record to see her drown it in shitty booze, to flip her despair turnways so it came out a dizzy giggle, to see her that broken and not know how to help her, to stand there with empty, useless hands because the only way he knew how to say i love you was to die.
And they'd all had enough of death already.
It hurts a little, now, too, echoes of the old pain, to think about Rose missing her mother, missing this warm, wonderful, laughing creature and twisting herself up in knots about it. Dave kind of resented Roxy-Mom for that, for not being there for Rose when Rose needed her (orphans, all of them), but that particularly dumb feeling is gone, and he just feels kind of empty with no one to blame.]
[ He worries, momentarily, that he's feeling too much. Giving too much to read. That could overwhelm someone. He could think of something else. Irrelevant. Try to, anyway. Steel himself off so Dave doesn't have too much to deal with. It conflicts with wanting to make sure Dave knows he can feel at all.
For people excelling in poker-face, Lalondes sure make them feel a lot. Rose and Dave died together - and he didn't know that. He's glad that she wasn't alone. It wouldn't be right. The one time verbalizing is hard but dying for them is easy. Too easy.
Rose comes off as familiar and foreign to him all at once. That dizzy giggling that makes the heart ache because she's so much stronger than that alcohol allows. Roxy stopped on her own. Got her act together to meet Rose, she said once. There's a feeling Dave has that's fleeting. He understands. That resentment that no one is there to help her. Why would a mother leave all that alcohol for her child to find? But there's no one to blame. Not really.
He knew Roxy loved Rose. He knew Rose loved her. He could see it on their faces. Dave's kneeling at his side. Jane's above him. And there they are, smiling at each-other. Even while everyone else filters in, they keep exchanging excited glances. Two lonely girls finding their mother they so desperately wanted to see.
Roxy came from Dave's timeline with John. She would have seen Dave's Rose die and continues to mourn her even if she found a Rose again. Rose wouldn't have been alone. Roxy wouldn't have let her be alone, he thinks, even if she couldn't die with her. She's like Dave. It wouldn't have been right. He hopes Rose knew she was loved back. ]
[Of all the images that roll over him, there's one Dave doesn't want to let go: Rose and Roxy smiling at each other, looking at each other like they belong even in the midst of a crowd, even as they greet and welcome their friends. It does funny, heart-flippy things to his chest. Funny warm things, too. His throat feels weird.
Dave nudges that feeling carefully, as if he might coax it to the surface again, but stops himself. Rude, yo. Ask your brother's permission before you literally pick his brain.]
Um. [It's a shy question. He's not used to asking for things, especially not things he wants so deeply. It's difficult to play things casually when Dave's in someone else's head.] Can I see?
[How did they win? Was everyone okay? Karkat, Kanaya, Terezi...Dirk. John, Rose, Jade--did they really all make it out of there okay?]
[ Rude. Rude. He hates that. The feeling of something tugging at his head is uncomfortable. Lightly prodding to draw something out further. Even if it's only a moment accompanied by warmth and reaching for a happy picture - even if it's Dave doing it, Dirk doesn't like it.
It feels invasive. Like someone's trying to steal control from his own brain. Dave caught himself on it so the discomfort lasts a mere second. But "No." hit the surface instantly. The memory pulling back in favor of Dirk internally flinching that someone else other than him reached out in there. Don't do that.
He doesn't pull back once Dave's asking. The initial reaction was probably harsh. Of course Dave wants to see that. Dirk's the only one with answers. ]
Yeah. Sure.
[ Of course. It's jumbled for a moment while he tries to pick a starting point to share. Then it's flashes. The memory is fuzzy. (The world is spinning and Dave is reaching out to catch him. Everything goes dark.) Jane smiling down at him while he feels so relaxed - nothing hurts. That was because (Dave, rushing at him with a sword and he closes his eyes to let go because Dave's going to-) That's the wrong way to share. He goes back to Jane smiling down and how she made him feel like a child full of awe. She's all that is good in the world. He wants to hug her but Dave's got a firm grip on his shoulder when he sits up and they're smiling at each other. He's so proud of him. He respects him. He looks up to him. Terezi says something with a laugh above them. He fears her. He adores her. (The world spins into view. Terezi has her fingers on her temples and Dave is doing something and he feels like he's split into pieces and yanked back together. The look at him then start fighting in perfect sync. He's so fucking confused. They know what they're doing. They're a force to be reckoned with. He's an amateur. They're heroes. He has to help them.)
Roxy and Rose are smiling at each other above them. John's loudly sharing, retelling their side of the fight (Two Jack's above them. He's focused on the one glowing, caked in blood. Eyes flashing with numbers. Dave and Terezi holding their swords at his side. He hears lightning and thunder. Heart pounding. Grip tight. "Why are we so fucking awesome?" Dave asks. )
He's thinking hard to see if he can remember John was saying but it was in the background. He was too busy looking them over. No scrapes. No bruises. Jane deserves so much. They owe her. He only has pieces of their words. A detail about how Roxy took down the Condesce with his sword sticks. He doesn't have his sword. (Dave rushing at him and it's in the way. It needs to break. Let go.) Rose and Roxy exchanging looks of approval at each other. They never stop smiling. Roxy is happy so he's happy. There's another troll that takes Rose's hand and intertwines their fingers. The grip is tight. Dave beelines for the troll with the black sweater - Karkat. They keep trying to go to each other casually but Dave's walking fast enough for the cape to flow behind him. The troll holding Rose runs to the same person Dave went to and Rose is yanked along behind her.
Jake shows up and he's so relieved and terrified and wants to hold him and wants to run from him. They're tense and awkward. Feelings of remorse. Embarrassment. He's so sorry. He's so so sorry. Jake forgave him. He wants to collapse. Powerful feelings. They'll never be the same as they were. That'll be a good thing. His eyes linger on those stupid yellow underpants. (They're alone, breathing hard. Jake's face is trickled with sweat. There's a stupid smile on his face. He can wipe off if he puts his lips- ) ]
Shit. Sorry. [ It's a confusing mixture of emotions and he mentally curses at himself for subjecting Dave to it. He tries to focus on everyone else. He wasn't watching anyone but Jake for a while.
Jade and John's gleeful laughter is SO LOUD that Jake turns to look at them. It interrupts their talk. He sees them holding hands. They're jumping up and down. They're smiling so wide he can see all of Jade's teeth. Sharp. (Her Imperious Condescension beckoning him forward with a finger while he lunges for her. A flash of green and Jade is there. Growling and colliding into him with a fist. It hurts and-) They have no shame. They're so fucking happy. Jake says something about being envious. He agrees. Roxy is clinging to a green skeleton next to those two. He guesses that's Calliope. (A flash of grey text on his screen. A smile made of capitalized Us. Jane's bright blue and Jake's forest green being linked through it) She's so small. He owes her. Roxy yanks Jane by the collar towards the two of them.
He wants to say more to Jake but Terezi interrupts. They're talking to each other and Dirk's not entirely focused on what they're saying. He locates Dave again. His hand draped around Karkat. The don't look away from each other. ("How did you tell your friends?") He turns from them when he hears his name and Rose waving at him from behind Terezi. She wanders off before he can talk to her. A ping of longing and slight regret he didn't say more to her now. He thought he could reach her after at the time.
Terezi's distracted the only one not smiling. Someone's missing. He looks around to see if he can spot them. (Blue screaming about being a loser.) Jane's Dad shows up and lifts John into a tight embrace. Jane's happy so he's happy. There's a bright light that everyone pays attention to after that.
He's not really sure if Dave wants to see the birth of a universe. Bright frog that zipped through space. It's cool, he supposes. It doesn't matter much right now. His own personal feelings were skepticism, fear, excitement. Jade has the whole world floating in her hand. Dave's focused on it. Jane's with them to breathe life into it, he thinks. He doesn't know when they pulled that out. He wishes he was paying more attention. It goes from mostly blue to mostly green. The last traces of where he came from wiped from its surface. (His planet in the distance from where he's standing. A big chunk of it missing. What the fuck?) He belongs with them now. He never belonged there.
The light from the house behind them all had gone from red to white. John and Karkat exchange looks or words or middle fingers. He isn't sure. John reaches for the door - ]
And then the universe was Pokemon. [ Did that help? ]
Dave absorbs it all with wide-eyed wonder (literal; why are Gallades' eyes so huge?), and what he picks up is more than just the final battle's play-by-play.
Nothing is stranger, more jarring, than seeing himself through Dirk's eyes, his own mouth an unreadable line in a face made impenetrable by his shades. That's Caledfwlch in his hand and it's weird, it looks like it belongs there, like it isn't a toolish too-wide shitty Welsh broadsword he had to break to get out of the stone because he's not a hero, he's--
(Dirk sees him as one, and it's such a turn Dave feels physically dizzy to realize it.)
He doesn't understand three fourths of what Dirk shares, and that's fine, he doesn't think he's ready to see whatever it is that Dirk is so conscientiously keeping from remembering, him with the sword and the cape and the way his grip shifts on the hilt right before Dirk closes his eyes--anyway, Dave doesn't follow everything, especially not from such a confusing perspective (so, so strange to look at those mostly-strangers and feel such fierce fondness for them, such profound care, and then to see his closest friends as almost unrecognizable, weirdly young but almost adult for all that, has John always been so tall, Rose so womanly?)--but the what isn't so important. It's the how. The adjectives and adverbs, not the noun. Laughing and smiling and joking and holding, hand to another's hand and fingers woven like Rose's knitting. Joyful and full of color and sound, and maybe that busy, over-saturated scenery is too much; maybe it's too like where he died, all three times, in bullets and explosions and battle, but Dave's own flashback-associations are minimal, pings of teeth and steel and fear without escape, and then John's dad turns up and Dave inhales sharply.
He barely really notices the creation of a new universe, even if it's projected right there in his head like his skull's a movie screen, surround sound and IMAX. Something about seeing John together with his dad again (Jane's dad? They're the same dude, practically), something about seeing that hug--it's right. It's. John is home. John made it home, and they're all...they're all home.]
Sorry. Sorry, I...Shit.
[Dave turns and paces a few steps away before stopping, little green hands fisted, trying to get shove down the tidal flood of--of emotion, too great to differentiate into relief, joy, longing, regret; it's bigger than anything he could name with a simple word. Not that he'd be able to, anyway, even if he weren't currently limited to the syllables of Wart's species. The lump in his throat is thicker than your mother's dick joke, and his eyes are blurry behind his shades.
It's over. They won.
He can stop fighting.
He breathes in again, as steadily as he can, and tries to run his hand back through hair he doesn't currently have. Tries to swallow the lump down.]
I. Uh. I don't have anything like that, to show you, but if there's, like...anything you want to know?
[Gratitude is winning out, now. Thank you, thank you, he needed to see this. He needed to know. It's over, he can rest. He can...he can stop waiting for the next scrape of steel behind his back.
He can't express it, but Dave is glad, heart-achingly glad, that Dirk is here.]
[ He thinks he might've overdid it at first. Because what Dave gives back is surprise and dizziness. Disorienting impressions. He isn't sure what Dave thinks of his opinion on Dave.
There's a strange feedback. Teeth and fear and caring. Dirk to Dave to Dirk again. John's the best friend but the person Dirk hardly knows all at the same time in a flash. Love and relief and sadness. It swirls and he has no idea what to make of it. What to do. He pulls Karkat's sleeves over his hands, picks at the edge of the fabric for a lack of anything else to do while he stands there like an idiot trying to decide what to do.
Should he hug him? Can he do that or...?
He lets out a breath when he realizes that Dave released a huge weight off of himself. He needed to know that. It was cathartic. He's okay.
Okay with him being there ]
You don't have to show me anything back, as interested as I am in your entire life. But I do have a question.
[Dave's feelings towards Dirk and the entirety of his life to this point are, of course, still disgustingly complicated, but they're not such an unwieldy, horrifying mess that he can't handle them anymore. He does the mental equivalent of haul them onto a shelf for later and tilts his head with an untroubled, gently lapping wave of curiosity.]
Sure. Shoot.
[A very faint, almost residual unease: He's leaving himself open to talking about Heavy Shit, and this whole psychic leak is already making him more vulnerable than he likes to be, ever. But it could be described as a willing discomfort. The first budding and tender growths of trust.]
[ Uncomfortable but on a level they can actively work with concerning their relationship. He's just so relieved he could actually help in some way. He considers that huge progress. Dave can relax ever so slightly and that's great.
Dave's leaving himself open for something and there's an uneasiness to it that Dirk would feel far too uncomfortable to ever take advantage of. They're already mind-linked. That's enough. He knows he could go way too far with this because he basically wants to know all of Dave's life.
And he knows how Dave feels about him - or that alternate him. Not exactly but he got enough of the rundown of it to understand leaving yourself ripe for questions regarding SERIOUS SHIT is taking a huge step here.
Look at this slow back-up into the parking space that is trust. That's a shit metaphor. He hopes Dave didn't hear it. ]
[The first thing that comes through is surprise, then recognition, and then something not quite possible to describe, something warm and bright and charmed. Something like, this is what a smile feels like from the inside.]
Dude.
[The amusement is real, the sudden liking no less so.]
That's the best fucking question anybody ever asked.
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So...huh.
[The thoughts slip into a more sober, more uncertain mode for a moment and what comes up are...puppet butts? Uh, okay. It's only a flash this time before Dave shoves the picture out of his head and puts an effort into brightening up again.]
So this Jake guy does, too, huh? Or, I mean, I guess he could just be helplessly drawn to the sheer animal magnetism of our genes. And by genes I mean glutes.
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Wait. Was that a foam ass? Maybe he's imagining that himself. He'd question it but Dirk knows better than to go anywhere near puppets around Dave. He'd have to be the one to initiate that conversation. Didn't Dave have a puppet ass as a wristwatch? ]
Not exactly. He would go either way. [ Jake mentioning his love of ladies over and over. Brushing off the obvious Magneto/Xavier thing going on Dirk drops hints at him with in favor of talking about what a gorgeous cerulean goddess that Mystique is. "Hubba hubba", it reads in green. Dirk had a sinking feeling he'll be alone for a while. Then Jake mentions the actor's blue eyes casually and there had been enough hope to not give up on him completely. ]
We do have some fantastic glutes. Let's not rule that out as our main selling point.
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...Ohhhhhh.
[Click. The light bulb switches on, and Dave spins quickly through bright spring green and angry grey and then shoves it all back under the bed, so to speak, of the scattered distraction that is his brain. Nope, not for sharing, not with family, not yet.]
Trolls are like that, too. Most of them don't really care either way, it's not, like, a...category? Orientation's not a thing they think of themselves with, is what I mean. But they still totally have preferences, I have noticed the fuck out of that shit.
[A slightly more distant impression of cool jade--friendly, but not close. A sense of not-his, of connection to lovely purple and light.]
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There wasn't a category in the future either seeing how it was just the two of us. Roxy certainly has no qualms about calling everyone hot. But women don't do it for me. [ He shrugs again, one shouldered this time. Far more casual. It's, you know, whatever. He thinks of pink declarations of love. They should get married. They should do this. The disappointment of letting her down. Roxy takes it in stride. He wonders if they could have that deep platonic love Dave's mixed up in. He's never curled around her with affection. He should. She'd probably love it. Trolls might have a few good ideas.
He doesn't know these colors. He hopes he gets to. Dave has so many friends. He probably would need extra hands to count them all on his fingers. Dirk just needs one. ]
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That's... [His feelings say something he doesn't quite have a concrete concept for, something feminine and soothing and assured. And good at hugs. Mom, say his feelings, though what comes out is:] Roxy? That's what she's like?
[It tugs at that thread of lilac in him, a thin shell of smooth, forbidding crystal around light and laughter and fierce affection, fierce need. Love, Rose loves so much and she's so clumsy with it like she never is with anything else.]
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[ Dirk doesn't have to verbalize it this time. He's already thinking about her again. That warm light in a world of cold ocean blue that feels close enough to touch despite being miles away. Grabbing her hand in their dreams over and over and over. Fierce need to keep her safe. The strongest connection. Just the two of them versus the world. The others don't understand them. They protect them together. A kiss that's easier to give than he thought. The warm body clinging to his side and it's the first human touch. The most genuine smile in the world. Giggles of pure delight and it's his new favorite sound in the universe. Pink that distracts from the terrible. Breath of air in enough loneliness to drown in.
Just them. Always reaching out to him regardless of where he is. A daily greeting. Being cared for and loved and safe. Selfless Roxy who gives and gives. A smile in a thousand frowns. There's this feeling of profound respect directed at her. Awe. Someone to look up to. So blindly whole and pure. Hold close and never let go. ]
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Oh.
[Brilliance and sarcasm that kindness wore as a disguise, but Rose was all Light, he'd known and not known it and she never seemed to see it. So pompous and self-aggrandizing but it was all an act, she was an awful, goofy little girl and she tried so hard, harder than anybody, loved so painfully and never knew how not to grab it by the thorns.
i dont want you to die, he'd told her, and it was the last thing before they did. He chased after her because she's his sister and it wasn't right, will never be right, for the world to close over her that rare, fragile light in her, how silly and lovely and full of care Rose she really is. And it hurt, it hurt, like needles dragged too hard across a record to see her drown it in shitty booze, to flip her despair turnways so it came out a dizzy giggle, to see her that broken and not know how to help her, to stand there with empty, useless hands because the only way he knew how to say i love you was to die.
And they'd all had enough of death already.
It hurts a little, now, too, echoes of the old pain, to think about Rose missing her mother, missing this warm, wonderful, laughing creature and twisting herself up in knots about it. Dave kind of resented Roxy-Mom for that, for not being there for Rose when Rose needed her (orphans, all of them), but that particularly dumb feeling is gone, and he just feels kind of empty with no one to blame.]
...Rose really loved her, you know.
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For people excelling in poker-face, Lalondes sure make them feel a lot. Rose and Dave died together - and he didn't know that. He's glad that she wasn't alone. It wouldn't be right. The one time verbalizing is hard but dying for them is easy. Too easy.
Rose comes off as familiar and foreign to him all at once. That dizzy giggling that makes the heart ache because she's so much stronger than that alcohol allows. Roxy stopped on her own. Got her act together to meet Rose, she said once. There's a feeling Dave has that's fleeting. He understands. That resentment that no one is there to help her. Why would a mother leave all that alcohol for her child to find? But there's no one to blame. Not really.
He knew Roxy loved Rose. He knew Rose loved her. He could see it on their faces. Dave's kneeling at his side. Jane's above him. And there they are, smiling at each-other. Even while everyone else filters in, they keep exchanging excited glances. Two lonely girls finding their mother they so desperately wanted to see.
Roxy came from Dave's timeline with John. She would have seen Dave's Rose die and continues to mourn her even if she found a Rose again. Rose wouldn't have been alone. Roxy wouldn't have let her be alone, he thinks, even if she couldn't die with her. She's like Dave. It wouldn't have been right. He hopes Rose knew she was loved back. ]
I know.
no subject
Dave nudges that feeling carefully, as if he might coax it to the surface again, but stops himself. Rude, yo. Ask your brother's permission before you literally pick his brain.]
Um. [It's a shy question. He's not used to asking for things, especially not things he wants so deeply. It's difficult to play things casually when Dave's in someone else's head.] Can I see?
[How did they win? Was everyone okay? Karkat, Kanaya, Terezi...Dirk. John, Rose, Jade--did they really all make it out of there okay?]
no subject
It feels invasive. Like someone's trying to steal control from his own brain. Dave caught himself on it so the discomfort lasts a mere second. But "No." hit the surface instantly. The memory pulling back in favor of Dirk internally flinching that someone else other than him reached out in there. Don't do that.
He doesn't pull back once Dave's asking. The initial reaction was probably harsh. Of course Dave wants to see that. Dirk's the only one with answers. ]
Yeah. Sure.
[ Of course. It's jumbled for a moment while he tries to pick a starting point to share. Then it's flashes. The memory is fuzzy. (The world is spinning and Dave is reaching out to catch him. Everything goes dark.) Jane smiling down at him while he feels so relaxed - nothing hurts. That was because (Dave, rushing at him with a sword and he closes his eyes to let go because Dave's going to-) That's the wrong way to share. He goes back to Jane smiling down and how she made him feel like a child full of awe. She's all that is good in the world. He wants to hug her but Dave's got a firm grip on his shoulder when he sits up and they're smiling at each other. He's so proud of him. He respects him. He looks up to him. Terezi says something with a laugh above them. He fears her. He adores her. (The world spins into view. Terezi has her fingers on her temples and Dave is doing something and he feels like he's split into pieces and yanked back together. The look at him then start fighting in perfect sync. He's so fucking confused. They know what they're doing. They're a force to be reckoned with. He's an amateur. They're heroes. He has to help them.)
Roxy and Rose are smiling at each other above them. John's loudly sharing, retelling their side of the fight (Two Jack's above them. He's focused on the one glowing, caked in blood. Eyes flashing with numbers. Dave and Terezi holding their swords at his side. He hears lightning and thunder. Heart pounding. Grip tight. "Why are we so fucking awesome?" Dave asks. )
He's thinking hard to see if he can remember John was saying but it was in the background. He was too busy looking them over. No scrapes. No bruises. Jane deserves so much. They owe her. He only has pieces of their words. A detail about how Roxy took down the Condesce with his sword sticks. He doesn't have his sword. (Dave rushing at him and it's in the way. It needs to break. Let go.) Rose and Roxy exchanging looks of approval at each other. They never stop smiling. Roxy is happy so he's happy. There's another troll that takes Rose's hand and intertwines their fingers. The grip is tight. Dave beelines for the troll with the black sweater - Karkat. They keep trying to go to each other casually but Dave's walking fast enough for the cape to flow behind him. The troll holding Rose runs to the same person Dave went to and Rose is yanked along behind her.
Jake shows up and he's so relieved and terrified and wants to hold him and wants to run from him. They're tense and awkward. Feelings of remorse. Embarrassment. He's so sorry. He's so so sorry. Jake forgave him. He wants to collapse. Powerful feelings. They'll never be the same as they were. That'll be a good thing. His eyes linger on those stupid yellow underpants. (They're alone, breathing hard. Jake's face is trickled with sweat. There's a stupid smile on his face. He can wipe off if he puts his lips- ) ]
Shit. Sorry. [ It's a confusing mixture of emotions and he mentally curses at himself for subjecting Dave to it. He tries to focus on everyone else. He wasn't watching anyone but Jake for a while.
Jade and John's gleeful laughter is SO LOUD that Jake turns to look at them. It interrupts their talk. He sees them holding hands. They're jumping up and down. They're smiling so wide he can see all of Jade's teeth. Sharp. (Her Imperious Condescension beckoning him forward with a finger while he lunges for her. A flash of green and Jade is there. Growling and colliding into him with a fist. It hurts and-) They have no shame. They're so fucking happy. Jake says something about being envious. He agrees. Roxy is clinging to a green skeleton next to those two. He guesses that's Calliope. (A flash of grey text on his screen. A smile made of capitalized Us. Jane's bright blue and Jake's forest green being linked through it) She's so small. He owes her. Roxy yanks Jane by the collar towards the two of them.
He wants to say more to Jake but Terezi interrupts. They're talking to each other and Dirk's not entirely focused on what they're saying. He locates Dave again. His hand draped around Karkat. The don't look away from each other. ("How did you tell your friends?") He turns from them when he hears his name and Rose waving at him from behind Terezi. She wanders off before he can talk to her. A ping of longing and slight regret he didn't say more to her now. He thought he could reach her after at the time.
Terezi's distracted the only one not smiling. Someone's missing. He looks around to see if he can spot them. (Blue screaming about being a loser.) Jane's Dad shows up and lifts John into a tight embrace. Jane's happy so he's happy. There's a bright light that everyone pays attention to after that.
He's not really sure if Dave wants to see the birth of a universe. Bright frog that zipped through space. It's cool, he supposes. It doesn't matter much right now. His own personal feelings were skepticism, fear, excitement. Jade has the whole world floating in her hand. Dave's focused on it. Jane's with them to breathe life into it, he thinks. He doesn't know when they pulled that out. He wishes he was paying more attention. It goes from mostly blue to mostly green. The last traces of where he came from wiped from its surface. (His planet in the distance from where he's standing. A big chunk of it missing. What the fuck?) He belongs with them now. He never belonged there.
The light from the house behind them all had gone from red to white. John and Karkat exchange looks or words or middle fingers. He isn't sure. John reaches for the door - ]
And then the universe was Pokemon. [ Did that help? ]
no subject
No fucking kidding, dude.
Dave absorbs it all with wide-eyed wonder (literal; why are Gallades' eyes so huge?), and what he picks up is more than just the final battle's play-by-play.
Nothing is stranger, more jarring, than seeing himself through Dirk's eyes, his own mouth an unreadable line in a face made impenetrable by his shades. That's Caledfwlch in his hand and it's weird, it looks like it belongs there, like it isn't a toolish too-wide shitty Welsh broadsword he had to break to get out of the stone because he's not a hero, he's--
(Dirk sees him as one, and it's such a turn Dave feels physically dizzy to realize it.)
He doesn't understand three fourths of what Dirk shares, and that's fine, he doesn't think he's ready to see whatever it is that Dirk is so conscientiously keeping from remembering, him with the sword and the cape and the way his grip shifts on the hilt right before Dirk closes his eyes--anyway, Dave doesn't follow everything, especially not from such a confusing perspective (so, so strange to look at those mostly-strangers and feel such fierce fondness for them, such profound care, and then to see his closest friends as almost unrecognizable, weirdly young but almost adult for all that, has John always been so tall, Rose so womanly?)--but the what isn't so important. It's the how. The adjectives and adverbs, not the noun. Laughing and smiling and joking and holding, hand to another's hand and fingers woven like Rose's knitting. Joyful and full of color and sound, and maybe that busy, over-saturated scenery is too much; maybe it's too like where he died, all three times, in bullets and explosions and battle, but Dave's own flashback-associations are minimal, pings of teeth and steel and fear without escape, and then John's dad turns up and Dave inhales sharply.
He barely really notices the creation of a new universe, even if it's projected right there in his head like his skull's a movie screen, surround sound and IMAX. Something about seeing John together with his dad again (Jane's dad? They're the same dude, practically), something about seeing that hug--it's right. It's. John is home. John made it home, and they're all...they're all home.]
Sorry. Sorry, I...Shit.
[Dave turns and paces a few steps away before stopping, little green hands fisted, trying to get shove down the tidal flood of--of emotion, too great to differentiate into relief, joy, longing, regret; it's bigger than anything he could name with a simple word. Not that he'd be able to, anyway, even if he weren't currently limited to the syllables of Wart's species. The lump in his throat is thicker than your mother's dick joke, and his eyes are blurry behind his shades.
It's over. They won.
He can stop fighting.
He breathes in again, as steadily as he can, and tries to run his hand back through hair he doesn't currently have. Tries to swallow the lump down.]
I. Uh. I don't have anything like that, to show you, but if there's, like...anything you want to know?
[Gratitude is winning out, now. Thank you, thank you, he needed to see this. He needed to know. It's over, he can rest. He can...he can stop waiting for the next scrape of steel behind his back.
He can't express it, but Dave is glad, heart-achingly glad, that Dirk is here.]
Anything.
no subject
There's a strange feedback. Teeth and fear and caring. Dirk to Dave to Dirk again. John's the best friend but the person Dirk hardly knows all at the same time in a flash. Love and relief and sadness. It swirls and he has no idea what to make of it. What to do. He pulls Karkat's sleeves over his hands, picks at the edge of the fabric for a lack of anything else to do while he stands there like an idiot trying to decide what to do.
Should he hug him? Can he do that or...?
He lets out a breath when he realizes that Dave released a huge weight off of himself. He needed to know that. It was cathartic. He's okay.
Okay with him being there ]
You don't have to show me anything back, as interested as I am in your entire life. But I do have a question.
no subject
Sure. Shoot.
[A very faint, almost residual unease: He's leaving himself open to talking about Heavy Shit, and this whole psychic leak is already making him more vulnerable than he likes to be, ever. But it could be described as a willing discomfort. The first budding and tender growths of trust.]
no subject
Dave's leaving himself open for something and there's an uneasiness to it that Dirk would feel far too uncomfortable to ever take advantage of. They're already mind-linked. That's enough. He knows he could go way too far with this because he basically wants to know all of Dave's life.
And he knows how Dave feels about him - or that alternate him. Not exactly but he got enough of the rundown of it to understand leaving yourself ripe for questions regarding SERIOUS SHIT is taking a huge step here.
Look at this slow back-up into the parking space that is trust. That's a shit metaphor. He hopes Dave didn't hear it. ]
Why are we so fucking awesome?
no subject
Dude.
[The amusement is real, the sudden liking no less so.]
That's the best fucking question anybody ever asked.