5 ∅ [Anonymous Text]

[callbacks]

[You'd think Dave would have learned his lesson about anonymity, but maybe learning doesn't stick so well at ass in the morning when he can't sleep. At least it doesn't seem like he's really trying to mask his identity, here. It's just...a plausible deniability thing, maybe. Probably, given the content of his message.]

what was growing up like for you
like
how was your childhood
were you happy

Comments

[soundmind]

Also that.






Ha


Cats, Dave, really?

I didn't know you were into the old school gangster thing.

[callbacks]

ugh there was this one greasy troll ghost
what the fuck was his name
idk it was probably some variation on carlos
anyway he thought he was john travolta and god he was so slimy and insidious and he was like a human fanboy and he hit on EVERYONE
E V E R Y O N E
anyway unfortunately i guess some shit rubbed off even though i avoided his smarmy cigarette chewing ass like the black death
and you know someones got a hideous personality if even i dont want to talk to them

[soundmind]

That *is* a scary thought. I'd probably punch him in the nose.

You probably don't want to talk about troll ghosts, though.

[callbacks]

not particularly




i dont know if i want to talk about it or not
you seemed to have a good relationship with him
there isnt really any reason for me to sway your opinion on him for better or worse

[soundmind]

Let me be frank:

Even if I was friends with him, I still knew he was absolutely not fit to be a guardian. He was inappropriate at all times and only became serious when *forced* to.

And I found it strange that he was so invested in being nice to me and never once questioned that I came from a background where I was trained to kill on command.

Yeah, I was friends with him but that was partly me still coming to terms with being in this world and






and I was a lot younger and still trusted adults


so

if you don't want to talk about it that's fine, but just know that my opinion is solidly "that man was messed up and I was a different person before."

[callbacks]

[Dave doesn't answer for a solid minute.]




did you know he tried to throw me off the roof when i was a baby


it didnt work obviously
i guess infant dave had sick ninja skills from the crib which i can believe
and i assume he meant to catch me since otherwise he probably wouldnt have brought it up all cavalier with me later though who knows
but thats what messed me up about it
that he fucking told me????
like it was some hilarious moment we were both in on like haha dave past you was such a stone cold lil motherfucker and here i am being my eight year old self just
nodding along
trying not to vibrate right out of my velcro
because who does that
who tells a child they jokingly pretended to try to kill them when they were too young to even process what was happening

[callbacks]

nngh shit forget i said anything
just

never mind

[soundmind]

Dave.

Settle down, it's okay.

Things like that aren't acceptable for parents to do, not even parents in my world.

Would it help if we exchanged questions instead of just trying to let it all out?

[callbacks]

help how

[soundmind]

So you don't feel like all of the attention is on you? I don't know, personally I don't like being scrutinized even if someone's trying to help, it feels


weird.

And like, maybe they won't like what they'll find out?

[callbacks]

we cant just forget i said anything and act like everything is and has always been cool in strider kingdom
is there a taxonomy of false pretenses that makes allowances for emergencies
im kind of feeling like an emergency right now

[soundmind]

"I'm not comfortable talking about this, can we stop?"

That's all you have to say, "no" and "stop" are legitimate responses.

[She's not going to pretend that everything is "cool" though because...it's plainly not.]

Like I said, we don't have to talk about anything you don't want to talk about. I'm just making suggestions.

[callbacks]

you said
he was nice to you?

[It has a question mark, that makes it a question.]

[soundmind]

He said that





I was cool and strong and I shouldn't be down on myself

and he



put some clarity to something that happened when I was younger, told me it wasn't my fault it happened.

I took a lot of blame onto myself for things that happened to me. Like how the previous you was upset with him for treating me how he did? I blamed myself. I avoided it and just used it as an excuse to be down on myself. It was my fault 'cause if it was my fault I could theoretically make sense of what was happening and why.

But really it was just


I think he felt like if he started over instead of trying to own up for what he did before, he could pretend that he atoned for it.

[callbacks]

[Wow. Wow, asking was absolutely a mistake. He should've bailed when he had the chance, this hurts. He has to put his PokéGear down for a moment and bite his knuckle before he can manage a response.]

i mean
he was right
youre cool and a good person generally
and shouldnt be down on yourself about stuff

[soundmind]

[But it's not about her, it shouldn't be, it never was.]

Dave.

We can talk about something else. Whatever you want.

Are you in a safe place right now?

[callbacks]

im with karkat
at the hotel
yeah

[soundmind]

Is Karkat ready and able to help if you need to be consoled?

I'm not trying to ask and attack your manliness or something, it's a safety tactic.

[callbacks]

he kind of exists in a constant state of chomping at the bit to get his conciliation on at me yeah


safety tactic?

[soundmind]

In case you




End up somewhere else mentally

and


I don't want you to get hurt

[callbacks]

[He can't quite read the silent spaces between her words, and he doesn't know if that's because he shouldn't be able to or because he's particularly stupid right now. He feels kind of stupid, like there's some kind of delay on his thought process.]

is that a thing that happens
going someplace else in your head

[soundmind]

Sometimes. Sometimes out of nowhere I'll be experiencing something that happened to me again. Even if I know it's not real and I have to ground myself, it still happens. I can't control it, just maintain it.

A friend of mine used to say "hell is in your head." I don't want that for you.

[callbacks]

i dont
think
that happens to me?

[That or he just blatantly doesn't recognize when it happens. One of these things is more likely than the other.]

thats like a flashback right

[soundmind]

It's not always, sometimes it's just a moment where you're seized with dread or something. That's where having someone you trust near helps.

At any rate, if you're safe that's all that matters. What else did you want to talk about?

[callbacks]

[Oh. Well. That's probably a thing, huh. That's...a pretty recognizable thing which may or may not be happening as they speak, and has happened frequently over the past few months and also his entire life. Ahaha. Oh god.]

um
so
hows your trip going
is the weather nice