its nothing dramatic we just it was like that on the meteor with me and rose and the trolls rose used to love to knit and write and tell jokes but as time went on she just well she started drinking and me and terezi started falling apart almost before we hooked up so i could only watch from afar as she threw her life down the load gaper and it was just i dont know it was a crappy three years i guess so i know what its like
that still sounds like something really horrible watching the people you care about going to pieces i'm sorry god we're a pair aren't we? i'm sorry that it just got that bad for you
you know the funny thing in the end basically the only one who had time for me was karkat and im pretty sure the dude HATED me at first but we both just got so sick of sitting around getting our sad asses ignored that we just sort of had to shelve our differences or be mutually the two most pathetic losers in space and it ended up working out hes a really good friend once he gets over acting big and loud anyway for real sorry i didnt mean to interrupt
ok but you know when all my feelings are out and getting worked through i guess i'm not gonna let you off the hook because YOU have a lot to work out too ok?
anyway uh jeez i don't know if i'm still going "from the beginning" then next comes the year of weird awkward drifting where i still spent a lot of time with chris but things were strained and i barely saw the others because the rest of us went to different schools rarely spoke with josh he dropped out of college big blowup happened with the rest of the group too sam barely talked to the rest of us since well hannah was her best friend and mike and emily broke up and then mike and JESS started going out later relationship drama all that but it was important because it means emily started going out with matt and it just threw off any remaining shreds of closeness anyone had
so like we were all worried about josh and we get this video invitation sometime in november annual blackwood getaway and he looked fine saying we should get together and all have this big party like we used to for him and for the twins and just it was on the anniversary of their death how could any of us say no?
[He's glad she goes on with the story. It means his lack of answer to her question just looks natural and they can both put it out of their minds.
And he really does, Shroedinger's unstated agreement/disagreement forgotten instantly as setup climbs inexorably into dread, like the rattling climb up a roller coaster's first drop, or the creeping knowledge of someone behind you whose shape you can't quite see in the reflection of your shades.]
oh my god is that when he he USED them like that??
[Ashley reads that and stares blankly for a moment. She laughs; there's nothing funny about it.]
in his mind he was probably doing it FOR them so of course he didn't USE them
there's a lot about josh i'll probably never understand dave the person i saw at the mountain after he revealed himself i'd never seen that josh before i was scared of him and for him now that i think about it so in this i can only explain what happened and what he did not why
Edited (emphasis is important) 2016-03-06 05:24 (UTC)
we all went back to blackwood and at first it wasn't that bad? weird and awkward and i was scared to be there but i kept thinking of it like the place i had fun at tried to forget
bad idea we all ended up kind of in little groups jess and mike went off to a cabin josh told them about to well have some alone time since jess and emily being in the same place was just asking for trouble em left her bag somewhere? i don't know she and matt went to go find it i think josh planned on both of those i never got to put it together with everyone else because things kind of went off the rails so i don't know if they saw anything out there that he set up but sam went to go take a bath and it left me and chris and josh and he started talking about a spirit board and
well he i really thought it was beth's ghost or hannah's but it was just something josh set up of course made the pointer move and acted like he was being freaked out or maybe actually freaked out he started getting really unhinged there the point is he ran off all upset and me and chris got these clues something in the library proof that someone killed hannah there was this secret passage and a freaky message and chris said there was a poster he and sam found about an escaped convict with a bad history with josh's family and well in case it wasn't obvious all that was a set up we didn't know it then of course it got us all worried and scared or at least ME all worried and scared josh knew just what to do after all
and um i heard him screaming somewhere in the lodge and i didn't think i just ran to go find him but a man in a mask josh he grabbed me and knocked me out with something i think it was chloroform he must've got chris too but next thing i knew i was
i was tied up in this shed in the woods it to a board by my wrists couldn't even touch the floor it was all dark and josh he i thought he was tied up next to me and unconscious but it was a body double or something i don't know it just wasn't real but i didn't know that chris found us after awhile and it a pre-recorded freaky saw-inspired message just there was a saw blade on a track pointed at me or josh and chris had to
he had to choose who would he made him think he had to choose who would live and who would
sorry
chris said he'd save me the saw went to josh and it was a body double but it looked so real and he started screaming i couldn't look i didn't want to look but it was full of blood pig's blood and it got all over me and
yeah chris got me out of there and em and matt found us went to go get help while we went back to the lodge where
hold on i need a moment
[text] Now including vague allusions to past child abuse!
[Saw. He's seen those movies. Bro loved that low-budget torture porn shit, how many versions of that asshole Billy the Puppet did he have? Those ugly fuckers are probably still dangling lifelessly from the ceiling of their apartment or chilling in the kitchen, webcams whirring in their eyes, recording nothing unto nothing for a man no longer living to enjoy the footage.
HELLO ROWLF. I WANT TO PLAY A GAME.
Heeuurgh. Bluh bluh bluh. Dave gets up and paces the room a couple times, trying to shake the feeling of being watched, of metal threats waiting in the shadows. He needs to chill. He needs to focus. He returns to his 'Gear and forces himself to read it again, but his skin won't stop prickling, heart thumping like a captured bird against the bars of his ribcage.]
god god ashley what the fuck thats so fucked up im so sorry
[She'd held it together so well, but now her hands are shaking. The left side of her face tingles, stings, and she's acutely aware of how the spurt and splatter of blood feels against her skin once more.
Fluff, against her hand, the hand that's no longer holding the PokéGear because it slipped from her grasp once the saw-blades started their sweet symphony in her pounding ears. Eliot's nuzzling her. Good little Espurr. Nala's right behind him, licking her left hand.
That's right, that's a real sensation. That's what she has to do, right? Focus on the real. Like a nice electric lion cub's soothing tongue.
The pins and needles won't leave, but Ashley can at least collect her 'Gear.]
yeah it josh knew just what to do and he he knew just what scenarios to craft i think he was trying to push me and chris together in his own fucked up way because the next one
i'm getting ahead of myself jesus ok god fucked as it is it didn't stop there sam wasn't answering us when we eventually got back so chris and i had to go looking for her josh tried to something? capture her chase her but she got away though we didn't know that
we played right into his hand again though time for well you ever heard of those like mystery dinner parties? with clues all set up and that's what he did had the lodge wired so he could watch us and set off doors to open and lock and that stuff lead us down to the basement
[text] This single tag is safe but it's also four words long
of course how else could he "play the puppet master" if he couldn't see us ugh
so he had this creepy ghost mannequin set up and i don't even know how he DID it some of the time probably the projector we found and he lead us down to the basement while we were looking for sam and i bought into EVERYTHING because he knew just what to do to make me chris was convinced it wasn't real but i i was just gullible i guess and he left hannah's journal which
had this entry about him being hospitalized before anything even
that's besides the point i shouldn't talk about that
what matters is it was in the roof of this creepy dollhouse
it was all set up like things were last year with these freaky naked dolls representing us right hair and skin color and all that josh and chris all passed out upstairs and the rest of us set up filming hannah
it was horrible the whole thing was just set up to make me feel worse about everything that happened and then to make matters worse oh god it was so FREAKY he rigged it so the hannah doll's eyes snapped open and went all wonky and egh it freaks me out just thinking about it
[If Dave were in any state to feel self-conscious, he'd be grateful that a) this conversation is text and b) Karkat is nowhere in the vicinity, because a choked, frightened prey animal noise escapes his throat.
He should type a response. He needs to type a response. Why can't he get his fingers to move?]
[There's a weird, jarring interval between her message and Dave's answer, not long enough to be a thoughtful pause but too abrupt for the natural rhythm of his conversation.]
im fine! totally just typos cold fingers evil dollhouse moving by themselves yeah i got it were good im following im ok
no you're not i know what freaking out looks like i
[This isn't working. Ashley flicks on the audio. Her voice is rough, because she's spent quite some time crying, but she's quiet. Urgent.]
Dave. You don't have to talk much, but listen to me, okay? Did I- did I say something in there that...set you off? Like...when you talked about monsters?
[Scared. He's not. He knows fear, fear is when death bears down with black wings and bared teeth and you can't move, and that's not how he feels about Bro. It's.
(Can't abscond, bro. Hoo hoo hee hee haa haa.)
It's not? It's, it's not, there's no way.]
It was a game. Or training, it...it's not the same, he wasn't trying to. To scare me, or. It's just a bro thing, he never hurt me.
[It's like the lie explodes in his mouth. His breath catches and he bites his knuckle hard, trying to steady himself, trying to mask his rising distress.
It was a lie.
He's definitely shaking now.]
Edited (Whoops I had that warning there and then my internet session timed out) 2016-03-07 04:28 (UTC)
[audio] SO NOW WE GOT CHILD ABUSIVE IN THIS THREAD TOO
[Oh God. Oh God, oh no. Dave. He said he was preparing him, preparing him by- what does Ashley do with this?
She sucks in a breath, loud and through her teeth.]
I know I said that...friendship with guys can get violent, but- he was your brother. Your...your legal guardian. So it matters wh-when I ask...
[She could be stepping over the line. But Dave, he doesn't seem like her. He doesn't seem paranoid. He has his problems, but this- this reads like something else. Something she's never had experience with, outside of fiction.
But she knows what her family life is. And her friends. And she knows this...]
He wasn't trying to scare you...but did he? Did he- Dave, did you feel...unsafe?
[It takes him a few sharp, scattered breaths to compose himself enough for an answer.]
N...No...?
[Oh god, he hates that rising tone at the end of that, hates how shaky he sounds. Of course he didn't feel unsafe, Bro was awesome and. And knew everything. He never let Dave get hurt, not really hurt, he made sure he didn't crack his skull open when he fell trying to get his stupid egg totem and he took him to the hospital when he broke his collarbone, all the rest of the stuff was incidental, it was just a game, if he'd said anything
(bro would have been disappointed would have ignored him had better things to do)
it would have stopped. He never took it too far. He just...Bro was really devoted to his creed. That's all it was.]
This--this isn't about me. We had kind of a weird relationship, but it wasn't. It's fine, it was fine, everyone has issues with their parental figures when they're--when they're thirteen.
[Almost defensive in how insistent she is; gripping the PokéGear tight as she can, taking a moment to dig her teeth into her lower lip, to focus on something real.]
I'm not- I'm not ignoring if something's wrong, and- I know, it was different with you, but- I didn't have these kinds of problems. Neither did Josh a-and he was the most, the-
[She swallows.]
I don't want to push anything, Dave but, I- I can't-
[stand by, let it happen, let someone suffer, let it all happen, what's worse, actively triggering events that lead to someone's death or passively allowing a tragedy to occur because you couldn't lift a goddamn finger to help someone else--]
...if you want to...talk, about anything...then I'm willing to listen. Without- without judgment, or- because I think it'd be worthwhile. To get it out. Like you're saying for me.
[Dave does not want to talk. Not about this, not about anything. But he can't leave it, not when she thinks--when he's letting her think that Bro--anyway, no. He can't do that.
He sits there without speaking, teeth hard against his fist, alternately holding his breath and hiccuping with it, for a long time. When his answer comes, his voice is low.]
He died anyway.
[There. Now she knows.]
That's what happened. When I fucked up with Jade. He died, that's why.
![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
[text]
we just
it was like that on the meteor
with me and rose and the trolls
rose used to love to knit and write and tell jokes but as time went on she just
well she started drinking
and me and terezi started falling apart almost before we hooked up
so i could only watch from afar as she threw her life down the load gaper
and it was just
i dont know it was a crappy three years i guess
so
i know what its like
[text]
really horrible
watching the people you care about going to pieces
i'm sorry
god we're a pair aren't we?
i'm sorry that it just
got that bad for you
[text]
in the end basically the only one who had time for me was karkat
and im pretty sure the dude HATED me at first
but we both just got so sick of sitting around getting our sad asses ignored that we just sort of had to shelve our differences or be mutually the two most pathetic losers in space
and it ended up working out hes a really good friend once he gets over acting big and loud
anyway for real sorry i didnt mean to interrupt
[text]
but you know when all my feelings are out and
getting worked through i guess
i'm not gonna let you off the hook
because YOU have a lot to work out too ok?
anyway uh
jeez i don't know
if i'm still going "from the beginning" then next comes the year of weird awkward drifting
where i still spent a lot of time with chris but things were strained
and i barely saw the others because the rest of us went to different schools
rarely spoke with josh
he dropped out of college
big blowup happened with the rest of the group too
sam barely talked to the rest of us since well hannah was her best friend
and mike and emily broke up and then mike and JESS started going out later
relationship drama all that but it was important because
it means emily started going out with matt and
it just threw off any remaining shreds of closeness anyone had
so like
we were all worried about josh
and we get this
video invitation
sometime in november
annual blackwood getaway
and he looked fine
saying we should get together and all have this
big party
like we used to
for him and for the twins
and just
it was on the anniversary of their death
how could any of us say no?
[text]
And he really does, Shroedinger's unstated agreement/disagreement forgotten instantly as setup climbs inexorably into dread, like the rattling climb up a roller coaster's first drop, or the creeping knowledge of someone behind you whose shape you can't quite see in the reflection of your shades.]
oh my god
is that when he
he USED them like that??
[text]
in his mind
he was probably doing it FOR them
so of course he didn't USE them
there's a lot about josh i'll probably never understand dave
the person i saw at the mountain
after he revealed himself
i'd never seen that josh before
i was scared of him
and
for him now that i think about it
so in this i can only explain what happened and what he did
not why
[text]
ugh sorry ill quit interrupting
so yall went back to blackwood
[text] full-on psychological torture from here on in....
and at first it wasn't that bad?
weird and awkward and i was scared to be there
but i kept thinking of it like the place i had fun at
tried to forget
bad idea
we all ended up kind of in little groups
jess and mike went off to a cabin josh told them about to
well have some alone time
since jess and emily being in the same place was just asking for trouble
em left her bag somewhere? i don't know she and matt went to go find it
i think josh planned on both of those
i never got to put it together with everyone else because things kind of
went off the rails
so i don't know if they saw anything out there that he set up
but
sam went to go take a bath and it left me and chris and josh
and he started talking about a spirit board
and
well he
i really thought it was beth's ghost
or hannah's
but it was just something josh set up
of course
made the pointer move and acted like he was being freaked out
or
maybe actually freaked out
he started getting really unhinged there
the point is he ran off all upset and me and chris got these clues
something in the library
proof that someone killed hannah
there was this secret passage and a freaky message
and chris said there was a poster he and sam found about an escaped convict with a bad history with josh's family and
well in case it wasn't obvious
all that was a set up
we didn't know it then of course
it got us all worried and scared
or at least ME all worried and scared
josh knew just what to do after all
and um
i heard him screaming somewhere in the lodge and
i didn't think i just ran to go find him
but a man in a mask
josh
he grabbed me and knocked me out with something
i think it was chloroform
he must've got chris too but
next thing i knew i was
i was tied up
in this shed in the woods it
to a board by my wrists
couldn't even touch the floor
it was all dark and josh he
i thought he was tied up next to me and unconscious but
it was a body double or something
i don't know it just wasn't real but i didn't
know that
chris found us after awhile and it
a pre-recorded freaky saw-inspired message just
there was a saw blade on a track pointed at me or josh and
chris had to
he had to choose who would
he made him think he had to choose who would live and who would
sorry
chris said he'd save me
the saw went to josh and
it was a body double but it looked so real
and he started screaming
i couldn't look i didn't want to look but it was full of
blood
pig's blood and it got
all over me and
yeah
chris got me out of there and
em and matt found us
went to go get help while we went back to the lodge where
hold on
i need a moment
[text] Now including vague allusions to past child abuse!
take your time
[Saw. He's seen those movies. Bro loved that low-budget torture porn shit, how many versions of that asshole Billy the Puppet did he have? Those ugly fuckers are probably still dangling lifelessly from the ceiling of their apartment or chilling in the kitchen, webcams whirring in their eyes, recording nothing unto nothing for a man no longer living to enjoy the footage.
HELLO ROWLF. I WANT TO PLAY A GAME.
Heeuurgh. Bluh bluh bluh. Dave gets up and paces the room a couple times, trying to shake the feeling of being watched, of metal threats waiting in the shadows. He needs to chill. He needs to focus. He returns to his 'Gear and forces himself to read it again, but his skin won't stop prickling, heart thumping like a captured bird against the bars of his ribcage.]
god
god ashley what the fuck
thats so fucked up im so sorry
[text] we're just hitting trauma bingo here
itts
[She'd held it together so well, but now her hands are shaking. The left side of her face tingles, stings, and she's acutely aware of how the spurt and splatter of blood feels against her skin once more.
Fluff, against her hand, the hand that's no longer holding the PokéGear because it slipped from her grasp once the saw-blades started their sweet symphony in her pounding ears. Eliot's nuzzling her. Good little Espurr. Nala's right behind him, licking her left hand.
That's right, that's a real sensation. That's what she has to do, right? Focus on the real. Like a nice electric lion cub's soothing tongue.
The pins and needles won't leave, but Ashley can at least collect her 'Gear.]
yeah
it
josh knew just what to do
and he
he knew just what scenarios to
craft
i think he was trying to
push me and chris together
in his own fucked up way
because the next one
i'm getting ahead of myself
jesus
ok god fucked as it is it didn't stop there
sam wasn't answering us
when we eventually got back
so chris and i had to go looking for her
josh tried to
something?
capture her chase her
but she got away though we didn't know that
we played right into his hand again though
time for
well
you ever
heard of those like
mystery dinner parties?
with clues all set up and
that's what he did
had the lodge wired so he could
watch us and
set off doors to open and lock and
that stuff
lead us down to the basement
[text] This single tag is safe but it's also four words long
like
with cameras?
[text] the calm before the storm
how else could he
"play the puppet master"
if he couldn't see us
ugh
so he had this creepy ghost mannequin set up and i don't even know how he DID it some of the time
probably the projector we found
and he lead us down to the basement while we were looking for sam
and i bought into EVERYTHING because he knew just what to do to make me
chris was convinced it wasn't real but i
i was just gullible i guess
and he left hannah's journal which
had this
entry about him being hospitalized before anything even
that's besides the point i shouldn't talk about that
what matters is it was in the roof of this
creepy dollhouse
[text] Ohhhhh boy
Yeah, actually, Dave's not going to respond to that. Wow, he really is a good listener!]
[text] flicks lights on and off WELCOME TO HELL WELCOME TO HELL
with these freaky naked dolls representing us
right hair and skin color and all that
josh and chris all passed out upstairs and
the rest of us set up filming hannah
it was horrible
the whole thing was just set up to make me feel worse about everything that happened
and then to make matters worse
oh god it was so FREAKY he rigged it so the hannah doll's eyes snapped open and went all wonky and
egh it freaks me out just thinking about it
[text] OHHHHHH BOY
He should type a response. He needs to type a response. Why can't he get his fingers to move?]
yeah
thats
pretty freakt
y
[text]
dave?
what's wrong?
are you ok?
dave??
[text]
im fine!
totally
just
typos
cold fingers
evil dollhouse moving by themselves yeah i got it were good im following im ok
[text -> audio]
i know what freaking out looks like i
[This isn't working. Ashley flicks on the audio. Her voice is rough, because she's spent quite some time crying, but she's quiet. Urgent.]
Dave. You don't have to talk much, but listen to me, okay? Did I- did I say something in there that...set you off? Like...when you talked about monsters?
[audio]
(Yes, he did. So did Rose. Jade, too. Dave just never caught on.)
If Ashley's voice is rough, Dave's sounds taut, like a steel-string guitar tuned too tightly, high notes ready to snap.]
Um.
[Shit, did she really have to switch it to audio? He thinks he's shaking. Dumb. That's dumb.]
No. No, just. Bro used to do that. He had puppets, they, they, um. Anyway, it's different, it doesn't matter.
[audio]
[Her voice cracks and wavers. It's low, mostly, unless it raises an octave, midway through a word.]
N- no, of course that matters. If- he raised you, and he did something that's making you this...this scared...?
[audio] Okay those vague allusions are no longer so vague or allusive
[Scared. He's not. He knows fear, fear is when death bears down with black wings and bared teeth and you can't move, and that's not how he feels about Bro. It's.
(Can't abscond, bro. Hoo hoo hee hee haa haa.)
It's not? It's, it's not, there's no way.]
It was a game. Or training, it...it's not the same, he wasn't trying to. To scare me, or. It's just a bro thing, he never hurt me.
[It's like the lie explodes in his mouth. His breath catches and he bites his knuckle hard, trying to steady himself, trying to mask his rising distress.
It was a lie.
He's definitely shaking now.]
[audio] SO NOW WE GOT CHILD ABUSIVE IN THIS THREAD TOO
She sucks in a breath, loud and through her teeth.]
I know I said that...friendship with guys can get violent, but- he was your brother. Your...your legal guardian. So it matters wh-when I ask...
[She could be stepping over the line. But Dave, he doesn't seem like her. He doesn't seem paranoid. He has his problems, but this- this reads like something else. Something she's never had experience with, outside of fiction.
But she knows what her family life is. And her friends. And she knows this...]
He wasn't trying to scare you...but did he? Did he- Dave, did you feel...unsafe?
[audio]
N...No...?
[Oh god, he hates that rising tone at the end of that, hates how shaky he sounds. Of course he didn't feel unsafe, Bro was awesome and. And knew everything. He never let Dave get hurt, not really hurt, he made sure he didn't crack his skull open when he fell trying to get his stupid egg totem and he took him to the hospital when he broke his collarbone, all the rest of the stuff was incidental, it was just a game, if he'd said anything
(bro would have been disappointed would have ignored him had better things to do)
it would have stopped. He never took it too far. He just...Bro was really devoted to his creed. That's all it was.]
This--this isn't about me. We had kind of a weird relationship, but it wasn't. It's fine, it was fine, everyone has issues with their parental figures when they're--when they're thirteen.
[audio]
[Almost defensive in how insistent she is; gripping the PokéGear tight as she can, taking a moment to dig her teeth into her lower lip, to focus on something real.]
I'm not- I'm not ignoring if something's wrong, and- I know, it was different with you, but- I didn't have these kinds of problems. Neither did Josh a-and he was the most, the-
[She swallows.]
I don't want to push anything, Dave but, I- I can't-
[stand by, let it happen, let someone suffer, let it all happen, what's worse, actively triggering events that lead to someone's death or passively allowing a tragedy to occur because you couldn't lift a goddamn finger to help someone else--]
...if you want to...talk, about anything...then I'm willing to listen. Without- without judgment, or- because I think it'd be worthwhile. To get it out. Like you're saying for me.
[audio]
He sits there without speaking, teeth hard against his fist, alternately holding his breath and hiccuping with it, for a long time. When his answer comes, his voice is low.]
He died anyway.
[There. Now she knows.]
That's what happened. When I fucked up with Jade. He died, that's why.
[audio]
[audio]
[audio]
[audio]