callbacks | 4 ∅ [Video]

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4 ∅ [Video]

[The video starts on an unsure-looking Kirlia. He starts to edge away, but Dave--apparently behind the camera--speaks.]

Naw, go ahead, dude. C'mon. Don't be shy.

[The Kirlia sighs, extremely put upon, and then ballet-toes back into place. There's a Dawn Stone on the floor nearby; the Kirlia bends primly at the waist to pick it up, and:

Presto.

Wart the Gallade examines his arm-blades for a moment, then shoots Dave a look as if to say, "If we're quite done now." Dave chuckles quietly.]

Yeah, yeah, thanks for humoring me, bro. The moment has been secured for posterity. Duty discharged. [The relief on the Gallade's face is palpable before Dave turns the camera towards his own movie star mug. Hello, Johto.]

So, hey. I get that baby's first evolution is probably ancient headwear for most of you, but he's the first guy I got all the way to his final form. That's worth some kind of jokey home video.

[Yeah, because he's obviously being ironic about this. He's not Proud Dadding all over his starter, no sirree.]

Anyway, I've been hearing about a bunch of different evolutionary paths our Poképals can take, and, I dunno. I'm curious, I guess. If you ever made a choice like that, what made you pick one way or the other?

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[No, Dave hasn't turned faintly pink around the face. He totally gets called cool by actual princesses all the time, he's completely chill. Absolute zero. Frozen.]

S-so, looks are a part of it for you guys, huh. They get some stat boosts if they evolve, though, right?

[Let it go, Dave, let it go~ ]

They do, but stat boosts, schmat boosts! The way I see it, those are just numbers! At the end of the day it's all about the strategy! And the way you use the moves you have to your advantage! Besides, it lulls you into a false sense of security...

Touché, girl. Touché. Plus it probably ups the satisfaction factor when you whoop someone's Greater Dragon with a Jigglypudding.

[Dave is. So good at Pokémon. So good.]

What about the ones that did evolve, did you like, think about it first or did it just happen?

It sure does! Plus, Pokemon that you keep from evolving learn stronger moves much faster! So that kinda balances it out! Usually I let them evolve if it happens just through training, because that way I feel like they see it almost as a reward for their hard work? But if they evolve through special conditions I like to let them decide! Like, my Eevee chose to become Espeon, or my Kirlia chose to become Gallade...

Magikarp into Gyarados, though, for example? That was just a happy accident.

What's a Gyarados.

[DAVE NO, poor Odin instinctively gets out of the frame knowing it's gonna have to make room...]

I am so glad you asked, my friend! You know Magikarp, right? Its red and it flops around and its kinda tiny and most people write it off because it doesn't know any moves other than Splash for a while. I'm sure youve seen it around. But you give it a little love and some patience...and, well, it goes a long way.

[Aaand out comes the 21 foot Beastie...who cuddles up to Anna like a giant puppy. Gosh..]

Say hi to Dave, Marlin.

Holy shit.

[Dave's eyebrows shoot up over the tops of his shades. He is impressed. That is a whole lot of scaly sea serpent at once, Jesus Christ. And of course Anna just rolls with it like he's the cutest little thing.]

That grew up out of a fish?

[ THAT'S BECAUSE HE IS THE CUTEST LITTLE THING, GOSH ]

Not just any fish, the tiniest little fish! The poor guy couldn't even swim when I first found him, but I had to have him! And I had no idea he'd turn into something like this, but that just made it crazy when it happened! Like, isn't he awesome?!

[ Seriously, this Gyarados is her baby, despite how massive it is. ]

I have a lot of Dragons and big, huge strong Pokemon, but Gyarados is very special!

Girl, he is off the walls batshit nuts is what he is. There ain't a number for how much ass he kicks, even without the proper appendage appended what with to kick with. But, uh.

[...]

How does a fish not know how to swim.

I'll be honest, it was a little bit sad. He just...sat in a shallow pond and flopped around.

I'm pretty sure the Pokedex says that it's the weakest Pokemon, which is insulting enough, but then it goes on to say that the fact that the species even survived this long is more or less proof that magic and miracles exist.

...Which is incredibly rude, if you ask me.

[ Even if it is true. ]

Haha, wow. The Pokédex is one saucy motherfucker. But also, yeah, super discourteous, shame on it.

[Nice burn, Professor Oak. Or whoever's in charge of Pokédex entries.]

So...you just gave him a chance, huh? And it really paid off.

Well, yeah! I always gotta help out the little guys, right? It's part of my job as a princess to make sure everyone in the kingdom feels really appreciated, like they're pulling their weight and doing their part to make it the best kingdom it can be. I try to make sure my Pokemon feel like that, too, that no matter how big or small they are, they're still worth a lot.

And, well, that little fish in the pond really needed that. Most Gyaradoses are really aggressive, honestly. I assume it's because most people treat them so badly as Magikarps, and they're so short with them that something just sort of clicks when they evolve...so, well, I did something right, at least.

I never thought about it like that. Being a princess and stuff, I mean. Like, I know what royalty's supposed to do and all re: the running of the enormous geopolitical mess we call a country, but I never heard it put into those kinds of terms.

[You know. The Disney kinds of terms.]

I guess it really...the stuff you do when they're little really matters, if you made that big a difference for the guy.

It's a pretty fun job at the end of the day, honestly, even if it is a lot of responsibility.

[ The serious queenly stuff, she can leave to Elsa. Anna's got the Disney attitude on lock. ]

Isn't that the case with everybody, though? The things that happen when you're growing up have an effect on the person you become. That's just how life is, y'know?

I. Guess so, yeah.

[Hahaha ummMMMM LET'S TALK ABOUT SOMEONE ELSE. I MEAN SOMETHING ELSE. I MEAN. FUCK.]

So your Kirlia chose to become a Gallade, too? Do you know why, or was it just, like, his thing?

I think it's because my sister's Kirlia was his crush and he wanted to be strong enough to protect her...so when he saw that Dawn Stone, he practically leapt for it, yknow?

Haha, man. How long's that crush been going on? Deets, gossip, chop chop, let's go.

Just about since we first got them both as Ralts, really! So I wanna say its been well over a year. That was one of the first Pokemon that Elsa caught, so...it's been a long time coming. You should see them fight together, though, he's so noble and he always does his best to protect her and make her happy... It really motivates him!! I think they make for a great couple! Odin and Frigga...heck, we even named them after Norse gods who became a husband and wife, so I guess them pairing off was kind of destiny.

Dammmnnnn. Over a year? Come on, bro, you only live once.

[Unless, you know, you don't. Also, Dave is hardly one to talk.]

Does the lady not return the favor, or...?

She does, but they're both too shy to really take it anywhere, I thi--oh, come on, Odin, it's cute!

[ She swivels the camera around just a bit, and poor knightly Odin is covering his face with his stubby hands... ]

He's just nervous to confess to her, I think. Which is something I can totally relate to, so I'm not judging that hard.

I mean, yeah, like, I'm sure most of us've paddled around awkwardly in that boat. Steered into the pier a couple times, maybe tumbled out and got algae all over our wetsuits, smelled like rank goldfish piss for days.

[Dave what is this even a metaphor for anymore.]

And I guess there's something about letting an unrequited crush hang out in your chest cavity for a long time. But, I mean. If you already know she likes you and you don't say anything, and you blow your chance... Not that I'd know or anything, it just sounds lame as hell.

[ WAIT WHAT...... ]

That's...not exactly how I would've described that situation, but, yeah, I think I get the idea! It's, um, definitely a bit of a wreck sometimes. I mean, asking out Nonon was, like, a bit of a ridiculous disaster at first... I do think they're pretty loyal to each other, though. Maybe all he needs is a little bit of a push in the right direction...maybe a Poké-date or two?

Or maybe he wants to court her the old-fashioned way? Y'know, all knightly and chaste-like?

All I got when I tried that even a little bit was laughter and endless trolling for half a month.

Um, trolling?

[ That's a new term, though she's been trying her best to pick up the modern slang..! ]

Maybe you were trying too hard with it..? At least you gave it a shot, though, right?

I was mostly kidding, but she just went on and on like I was her favorite episode of Troll Judge Judy, which is apparently the height of comedy if you're an alien obsessed with alien laws.

...But I guess she did think it was cute. Eventually. When she stopped cackling long enough to draw breath in my vicinity. So it might work for your boy.

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